


All This Love I've Borrowed

by Lobotomite



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Lack of Communication, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:07:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22015361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lobotomite/pseuds/Lobotomite
Summary: Eddie insists he forgives Buck. He even does a convincing job of acting like it. But there's one thing Buck knows, and it's that things don't just go back to normal - not like that, not for him. So he sets about pushing Eddie into letting everything out so Buck can finally make it all up to him.He didn't expect the making it up to involve the bedroom, but if that's what it takes, he can't say he minds. The bedroom is where he's at his best. Keeping his feelings out of it, though- turns out that's the difficult part.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 128
Kudos: 936





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just as a warning, Buck is particularly self-flagellatory in this fic, particularly when it comes to what he deserves in a sexual context, so there are instances where he decides against voicing his boundaries. The sex itself is always entirely consensual and his boundaries aren't ever crossed, but Buck doesn't have the healthiest relationship with sex here.

Buck knows he fucked up. He knows he needs to make it right. He just doesn't know how to finish fixing it. 

Eddie says he forgives him - insists, even, while Buck is trying to apologize properly and find out what Eddie needs from him to make it better. But he can't have, not really. Not deep down. Not just like that, just because Buck _asked_ , because that's not- it's not how things _work_. He might be trying to go back to what they had, but Buck knows the memory of it must still be there, quietly poisoning their relationship.

Eddie hadn't even managed to fully forgive _Shannon_ , the mother of his child - how on Earth was he meant to be able to just brush what Buck had done aside? Yeah, he knows that he wasn't nearly as important to Eddie as she had been, so it would have hurt less; but that doesn't mean it wasn't a betrayal. And he had far more reason to just keep Buck at a distance than he had with her; Christopher likes him, he knows that, but he'd get over Buck's absence and eventually only remember him as the man who got him caught up in a life-altering tsunami. He wouldn't miss him for long - not like he would always feel his mum's absence. 

Buck would remember, though. Buck wouldn't be able to forget. Because he loves that kid, loves him more than he ever thought he could love even his own child, and not being there, not being able to watch him grow up and bloom into the brilliant man he's going to be, he doesn't think he can deal with that. He couldn't deal with losing Chris, just like he couldn't deal with losing Eddie, and he knows he's never going to have them the way he wants, but having them at all makes him luckier than he ever thought he could get.

But he's cracked those bonds that they have, by being thoughtless and reckless, and he knows he hasn't done enough to make up for not being there, for Eddie or for Christopher. If Eddie won't tell him what he can do to get fix it, he needs them to _shatter,_ to fall apart in a way that Eddie can't deny, into pieces he can use to put them back together. He can feel the cracks, the tension; he can't just sit back like he always does and let everything dissolve so slowly he doesn't even realize they're going until it's unsalvageable.

So he pushes. 

He stops filtering himself so carefully when they're alone, lets cocky, irritating bullshit fall from his tongue and gets himself into Eddie's space as much as he can, teasing and turning everything into a competition and bumping into him and obnoxiously letting himself spill into Eddie's space the way he always wants to.

One night they're hanging out in his kitchen, having a few beers while Christopher is at a sleep-over, and he's finally getting somewhere - he's been particularly handsy, shoulder-checking Eddie every time he walks past, and managed to get them into a stupid half-argument about nothing _again_. One second Eddie's eyes are flashing, his lips pressing together, seeming to physically hold himself back from smacking him across the jaw while Buck is insisting the prequels are the best despite never having seen a Star Wars movie in his life. And then Eddie's lips are pressing against his and his teeth are digging into Buck's bottom lip, and Buck's brain only manages to catch up when he's been kissing back long enough for Eddie's tongue to have pressed insistently into his mouth.

Eddie is kissing him. 

He'd been preparing himself for an entirely different form of contact, anticipated having to weather Eddie's formidable fighting skills and psyching himself up to mount what was sure to be an ineffective counter-attack, and this isn't what he'd expected but it's everything he'd never dared to want so he throws himself into it with abandon. His arms wrap around Eddie's shoulders and he finally kisses back more aggressively, meeting Eddie's actions and actually using his considerable experience rather than just reacting. He can't help but be overeager, letting his hands wander and climb up Eddie's shirt so he can finally feel the muscles he'd been eyeing for so long, and Eddie is just as physical, one hand twisting in Buck's hair and the other roaming his back before Buck manages to pull himself away from Eddie's mouth to kiss along his jaw. Eddie's hands drag down him, then, and make their way between them, fingers starting to undo the button on his jeans.

"Mmm, wait, wait," he gasps, grabbing at Eddie's shoulders to keep him close when he jumps backward at the protest. "Bed," he manages as explanation, arousal and adrenaline killing off his higher functions, and Eddie presses immediately back against him, grunting his assent into Buck's mouth. 

"Yeah, yeah," he mutters, pulling Buck along with him as he walks backward towards the stairs, neither willing to let go of the other until they have to reluctantly pull away at the foot of the stairs. Electricity may be crackling across Buck's skin everywhere Eddie has touched, but they've seen enough stair-related accidents to know not to try and make the assent clinging to one another. Eddie pushes him towards the stairs, trailing slightly behind as Buck takes them two at a time, and Buck doesn't wait, throwing himself onto the bed and rolling onto his back to watch Eddie's eyes rise from where they've been glued to his ass.

Eddie strips his shirt off as he stalks over to the bed, and oh, yeah, clothes should be coming off right now - he can't stand the idea of not blatantly ogling Eddie now that he's allowed to, so he ignores his shirt, instead shoving his jeans and boxers down his legs just in time for Eddie to crawl onto the bed and slot himself in between them, pants and shirt left discarded near the stairs. The only things between them are Eddie's briefs and Buck's shirt - both of which are quickly thrown aside, Eddie hauling most of Buck's body off the bed in his clumsy haste to get rid of the shirt, Buck too desperate to even bother pushing Eddie's briefs off, leaving that task to Eddie while he shamelessly gropes him, inordinately pleased that Eddie is as hard as he is.

He wants to make the most of this opportunity, hold him at arms length and burn the image of Eddie naked and hard onto his brain, but _feeling_ him is too much, too good, so he clings tight and lets his hands roam and their mouths work against each other and does his best to memorize the feel of him instead. 

"Lube," Eddie gasps against his jaw, "lube, Buck, do you-"

"First drawer," Buck grunts, wiggling around onto his front as Eddie stretches across the bed, arching his back and putting himself on show when Eddie turns back around and sucks in a breath at the sight of him. He's on him in an instant, hard and needy against his ass, and they both moan when Buck rolls his hips, Eddie's dick sliding between his cheeks. There's a click and Eddie squeezes what feels like the whole bottle onto where they're rutting against each other, too much, lube dripping down his thighs and his balls and onto the bed, but there's no way he can give a fuck about his ruined sheets right now, not when Eddie is sucking a mark onto his neck and maneuvering a hand in between them, pumping himself once, twice, before pressing his thumb against Buck's opening.

"Yeah?"

" _Yes_ ," Buck hisses, impatient and frustrated that Eddie even needs to ask when Buck has been hungry for him since day one, rocking back into Eddie's touch. 

Eddie is blessedly decisive, after that, opening him up around his fingers, adding another as soon as he can do so without it being too much, skilled and impatient and stinging on the satisfying side of painful, and all too soon and after too much time he's pulling back just enough to take himself into his hand and press the head of his cock against Buck.

He considers bringing up protection, just for a second, but he knows _he's_ clean and he'll take anything Eddie gives him without complaint, good and bad and painful, so he just pushes back into Eddie's touch and lets Eddie press into him, carve out space for himself just like he's always done and just like Buck will always let him, and he keens into the crook of his elbow, high pitched and embarrassing as his fingers twist in the sheets.

"You good?" Eddie breathes in his ear, voice low and rough and heavy with the tension of keeping still. 

"Yeah," Buck gasps, "yes, yes, Eddie, please," and Eddie gives him what he's begging for, he takes what he wants from Buck, one thing the same as the other, biting a bruise into Buck's neck as he works him open with a few gentle thrusts before letting his god-damned chivalry go and fucking Buck like he deserves, hips snapping into him and forcing strangled moans out of his mouth. Everything Eddie does borders on the obscene, but the noises he makes while he holds Buck tight with one hand on his shoulder, the other curled around his hip, are going to be invading Buck's dreams for the rest of his life. 

It's over too soon, his orgasm barreling over him like a freight train, leaving him a trembling, panting mess while Eddie grabs his hips tight and gasps his own release into his ear. They slump against the bed, Eddie a heavy, welcome weight on top of him, and they take a minute to rest before Eddie is pulling out of him, pressing a clumsy kiss behind his ear before sitting up and- and tying off a condom, apparently, and Buck doesn't remember when he even put it on, but he must have grabbed one out of the drawer when he was getting the lube. 

A traitorous part of his chest squeezes at the idea that Eddie thought he needed to use one, but he knows he's being ridiculous - they're both adults, they know the importance of safe sex. Using protection is a given, and if Buck had been thinking clearly, he would have known that he didn't need to bring it up only because of course Eddie would be protecting himself. Buck might have been - still is, if he's being honest with himself - content to let Eddie be reckless with him, but Eddie is better than that. He would never be that reckless with himself, and he wouldn't be that reckless with Buck, either. 

He stretches out across the bed, grunting as his tired muscles flex, and then settles himself down into the mattress, resting his head on his crossed arms and watching Eddie collect himself. He finds his briefs next to the bed, giving Buck a very pleasing view as he pulls them on, then hesitates, looking across the room to where his pants are crumpled on the floor then back across to Buck.

"Hey, uh, can I... can I stay the night?" The idea that he even has to ask, that Buck would ever _not_ want Eddie to stay - tonight and tomorrow and always - is so unbelievable Buck can only stare at him in surprise at first, silent long enough for Eddie to run a hand nervously through his hair and start up again. "I mean, I just- it's kind of late, I-"

"Of course you can, man," Buck interrupts when he gets his voice back. Eddie smiles down at him with uncharacteristic uncertainty.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Yeah, always, Eddie, come on." That earns him a brighter, more confident smile and a kiss, lazy and warm and over too soon when Eddie pushes off the bed and meanders over to Buck's dresser, knowing without asking where his sweatpants are. 

It's hardly a surprise that he does - he's stayed the night plenty of times, after all, in a purely platonic fashion, and he's borrowed a pair of Buck's pants to sleep in a lot of those times. It still manages to be a shock, Eddie looking - looking like he belongs here, in Buck's home, in Buck's room. It makes him feel buoyed up and devastated at the same time; having Eddie here with him, so intimate, is everything he's ached for since basically the day they met, and he can already feel his greed taking hold, wanting to pin Eddie to his bed and never let him up. But the inevitable end of this is already killing him - because as easy and natural as it feels right now, Eddie padding lightly back to his bed and tossing a pair of sweats so they land haphazardly across his face, this _isn't_ where he belongs. Not in Buck's house, bare and empty, a home in name only - not in Buck's affections, too weak even to move people to stay in the same country. There's no way this will ever end as anything more than a bookmark in Eddie's life where Buck was tried and found wanting. 

He's come a long way since Buck 1.0, but he still knows his place, has had it confirmed already - he'll do, but he's not irreplaceable. Not like Eddie deserves. This is going to end, and no matter how amicably it does, it's still going to kill him.

But... it might be worth it, he thinks while he pulls his sweatpants on, not even bothering to look for his boxers. Letting himself have this for as long as he can, memorizing the way Eddie's mouth feels against his and what his muscles feel under his fingers and the noises he makes when he's pressing Buck down into the mattress. If he does it as right as he can, if he gives Eddie what he needs and wants and doesn't let _this_ get too entwined with everything else they share... he might be able to have this and still keep Eddie in his life afterward.

It's greedy. It's reckless. But those are things he's always been, and when Eddie slips into bed next to him and presses a gentle kiss against his shoulder, it doesn't _feel_ reckless to sink into the warmth, to press back against Eddie's chest and curl their fingers together where Eddie slings an arm around his waist. It just feels natural, feels _right_ , and he knows himself well enough to know that even if he decides to make this a one-time thing, he's going to melt at the smallest sign that Eddie wants anything more.

Buck had been looking for a way to make everything right; he thought at first that meant letting Eddie thrash him around a bit to let out the anger he'd been turning on the wrong targets, but really, it's not like this is all that different. Buck knows what he can offer, and as much as he's willing to be a physical punching bag to make up for the emotional hurt, he's also very aware that most of his appeal is in his body and what he can do with it, whether that be in the field hauling people out of burning buildings or in the bedroom. 

If a warm body that Eddie can trust for now is what Eddie needs from him, then that's what Buck will be.


	2. Chapter 2

Buck wishes he could say that he stirs awake without the weight of last night on his mind, wishes he could have a few precious seconds of sleepy confusion before having to face the conversation he has to have today. He really, really wishes he could, but there's was never way that was going to happen - the second he surfaces from sleep his consciousness zeros in on the warm body lying next to him. He doesn't miss Buck 1.0, but he _does_ wish he wasn't quite so out of practice with the night after one night stands - not that that's what he wants from this, but there's a higher than likely chance that's exactly what it is.

"Mornin'," he mumbles into his pillow, trying not to read too much into the way Eddie starts and goes tense beside him or the sheepish way Eddie mutters the same. _He was going to try and leave without waking me up_ , he thinks, stomach sinking, but when he blinks his eyes open and turns his head Eddie is looking straight at him, gaze wary but soft.

His hair is still too short to be properly messy, but it's almost painfully soft and fluffy looking in the gentle morning light, and combined with the way he's staring at Buck it's almost physically painful to resist threading his hands through it and dragging him close, morning breath be damned.

"You, uh, sleep well?" Eddie asks, cheeks coloring, and right. Buck might be out of practice with this kind of thing, but he wouldn't be surprised if Eddie had _never_ done anything like this.

"Mmm, yeah." He stretches his arms over his head, arching his back a bit to that his spine pops satisfyingly, feeling more confident at the way Eddie blatantly admires his bare chest and then tries to pretend he hasn't been looking. Tension he's not great at dealing with - _sexual_ tension, on the other hand, he's a master at using to his advantage. This might just be a one-night thing, but the idea that Eddie wants a slightly more long-term arrangement makes him already feel better about everything, knowing there's something real he might be able to do for Eddie. The difficult part will be making sure the friendship stays strong after Eddie gets his fill; but that's for future him to worry about, and it's not like Buck is at any risk of falling any _more_ in love with him.

"You?"

"Huh?"

"How did you sleep," Buck says, over-enunciating to tease automatically, their easy friendship guiding him even in these less than usual circumstances.

"Oh, uh, good. Great."

"Great," Buck mimics, falling into his usual obnoxiousness to get Eddie to relax - not the most conventional way of doing it, maybe, but Eddie grunts in annoyance and yanks the covers up over Buck's head, and he can already feel the tension easing out of the room.

"Fuck off, man, unlike you I haven't actually done this before," Eddie huffs. "Excuse me for not having a script ready."

"You don't ever need a script with me, Eddie," Buck says after tugging the blanket off his face, stumbling into the difficult part of the conversation earlier than he'd planned. "Just- Just the truth, man. So, i- if you're trying to find a way to tell me this was a mistake then you can just say it, okay, all- all I want is for you to tell me the truth. That's all. No hard feelings."

"It wasn't a mistake," Eddie murmurs lowly, eyes intense and unwavering, and Buck has to swallow his heart down from where it's jumped into his throat.

"I- that- that's good," he chokes out. "It definitely wasn't one for me, either, for- uh, for the record. But if this was just a one-night thing, I'm - I'm good with that. I- well, okay, I can't promise I'll _forget_ it, because that would be a waste, but if you want to pretend this never happened then that's what I'll do."

"...And if that's not what I want?"

"Well... then maybe we should start up a friends with benefits situation and see where it goes." Eddie's eyes gleam; he's obviously gained more confidence during this conversation, dragging his eyes very blatantly down Buck's body and then grinning at him.

"Sounds good to me." Buck grins back, elated and trying not to seem _too_ eager, but is abruptly dragged back down to earth by reality when he sits up. His sweats are practically caked onto him with dried lube, and he can't contain a grimace at the way it pulls at his skin when he moves.

"You alright?" Eddie asks immediately, pushing himself up on his elbow.

"I'm fine," he says, a fond smile pulling at his mouth, "I'm _good_. Just, uh.... just in desperate need of a shower." He gestures to himself, last night's cum crusty on his stomach, and Eddie relaxes, dropping back onto the bed.

"Oh. Right." He ducks his head. "Sorry, I should have, uh..."

"Eddie. It's fine. This bed has seen, uh, a lot wor- actually, not _this_ bed, now that I think about it, but yeah, I have definitely woken up to way more clean-up to deal with. But if you want to make it up to me... I can always use some help in the shower." It feels a little bit ridiculous, trying to flirt with Eddie - this is really the first time he's ever _wanted_ to flirt with someone and not gone ahead with it before developing a friendship. Sexual _to_ platonic he's done more than once, but never the other way around.

Eddie seems to appreciate it, though, if the way he pins Buck to the wall as soon as they get into the bathroom is anything to go on.

"We- we should- ground rules," Buck manages to get out in between Eddie's tongue pressing insistently into his mouth.

"Mm. Yeah. Nothing where Chris might walk in."

"Right, right, obviously. Um, no sex at work. I've- I've already kind of pushed my luck there." Eddie mumbles something in the affirmative into Buck's neck, hands sliding into Buck's sweats, and that's enough grown-up conversation, Buck figures. Those are reasonable, smart boundaries to put in place, and they can handle anything else that comes up when Buck isn't trying to blindly turn the shower on without losing bodily contact with Eddie.

\---

It takes him exactly three days before he breaks his own rule.

"Been thinking about your mouth since my first day," Eddie breathes against his mouth, pressed between Buck and the wall.

"Show me," Buck murmurs, sliding to his knees, sinking into the way Eddie's eyes flash and his fingers twist into Buck's hair, the way he holds Buck close as he mouths at him through fabric and then guides him when Buck gets him in his mouth.

"Shouldn't be doing this here," Eddie groans, but his cock is heavy and thick on Buck's tongue and he can feel the tightness of Eddie's muscles as he tries to stop himself from fucking forward into Buck's mouth, so he just hums, eyes closed so Eddie is everything, all he can smell and hear and taste, and keeps going until Eddie shudders under his ministrations and comes down his throat.

"You're gonna be the death of me," Eddie says into his ear a few seconds later, falling to his knees and letting Buck slump against him with his face buried in Eddie's shoulder. Eddie's hand is working on him, and he's already close, always seems to be around Eddie, so it doesn't take before his hips jump and he's spending himself on Eddie's hand and on the floor.

"Sorry," he gasps, for the mess and for the fondness in Eddie's voice and for only having himself to offer, and Eddie just hums and kisses his ear, a chaste, affectionate peck that makes his heart pound harder than kisses that involve someone else's tongue in his mouth.

"I'm sure this floor has seen a lot worse. I'll be back in a second - you might want to, uh, get yourself presentable." There's heat in his eyes when Buck pulls himself upright, heat that deepens when Buck licks his tender lips.

"Go on, then, I'm not risking my job for you twice in one day," Buck warns, raising an eyebrow and wondering if Eddie can tell he's lying. He wonders if Eddie knows that he could order Buck to his knees in the middle of the station and he'd drop without a second thought. Wonders if Eddie would be tempted, to take what Buck is too scared to offer but would give in a heartbeat.

If he can tell, though, he doesn't show any signs of it, rolling his eyes and making sure his zip is done up before heading to the bathroom, hand brushing gentle against Buck's head as he passes.

Buck gives himself a second to take a deep breath then heaves himself to his feet, tucking himself back into his pants and doing them up. The pressure of his own hand checking the state of his hair sends a shiver through him, bringing back the ghost of Eddie's touch - and he's ridiculous, he knows he is, obsessing over a brief gentle touch when he has the taste of Eddie's dick in his mouth. He just can't help but ache with want despite not bringing enough to the table to justify getting it.

"Hey." Eddie slips back into the room, sending Buck a heart-breaking smile, and gets up into Buck's space, drawing him into a quick, dirty kiss with a hand on his neck. "Here." There's a tinny rattle and Eddie presses something into Buck's hand before kneeling down with a handful of toilet paper - upon closer inspection, a breath-mint.

"You making a point here, Diaz?" Buck asks, raising an eyebrow but popping it into his mouth anyway. Eddie grins up at him.

"Just thought you might not want to go back out there with your breath smelling so... distinct."

"Not as effective as _not_ jumping on me at work, but thanks," Buck says with an eye-roll. Eddie just shrugs, entirely unrepentant.

"I didn't make you get on your knees."

"You know you're meant to be the responsible one out of the two of us."

"I've already spent too long trying to be responsible about how I feel about you," Eddie says easily, as if he doesn't have Buck's heart in his hands. He doesn't trust himself to play it cool if he opens his mouth, so he just ducks his head and rubs at his nose, drifting along behind Eddie as he heads back out into the station, pulled unerringly along in his orbit just like he always is.

He's so, so fucked.


	3. Chapter 3

Buck knew, deep down, that he wasn't going to be able to keep what they're doing separate from the rest of their relationship for very long. He did think he'd at least _try_ and push back against it all melding together, though.

But Eddie has just put Christopher to bed, and Buck is warm and comfortable on the couch after a night of movies and games with his favorite people, and he feels a lazy, happy buzz even though his one beer is sitting half-full on the table. When Eddie slides onto his lap instead of onto the couch and presses a languid kiss to his mouth, it feels so natural to hold him by the hips and kiss back that he doesn't even realize what he's doing until he's hauled up off the couch and being pushed towards Eddie's room, trusting Eddie to guide him backwards until he's given a gentle push and topples onto the bed.

"Eddie," he gasps, needy and hating the dark for denying him the sight of Eddie pulling his shirt over his head and shoving his pants down his hips. 

"Shh," Eddie breathes, crawling over him in just his briefs. "Shh, I know what you need."

And he does, god, he does, working Buck open and letting him muffle his noises with his teeth digging into Eddie’s lip, fingers digging into his back, and when he presses in there's exactly that burn Buck loves, stretched just barely enough and feeling everything, in him and pressed against him so tight there's only just enough room to thrust, until Buck is squeezing Eddie tight between his thighs and shuddering apart, Eddie following not long behind.

Eddie's arm is a warm weight across his bare stomach, and his breath puffs hot against his jaw, and Buck should be enjoying the moment while he can but all he can think is that he didn't even last an entire week without letting himself slide ever further into Eddie's life and fucking everything up for further down the road.

"Stay the night," Eddie mumbles, pressing a kiss behind his ear, and he should say no, should make up an excuse, but the only thing that manages to escape from his mouth is a hum of agreement, and he can't even bring himself to be annoyed at his lack of resolve.

\---

He wakes to the smell of bacon sizzling on a pan, the sound of kids cartoons filtering quietly into the room, and Eddie's blankets tangled around his legs. He stretches lazily, blinking the last vestiges of sleep from his eyes, and rolls onto his back with a yawn, letting his head loll to the side so he can see out of the open door into the hallway. 

It could almost be the morning after one of their normal game nights, if it weren't for the bruises he swears are forming on his hips and the light throb in his ass he can feel if he concentrates. 

"Fuck," he mutters to himself, rubbing his face. Part of him wants to sneak out of the window, but the larger part likes this far too much, drinking in the lazy Saturday morning routine of the Diaz house. He rolls out of bed, tries not to think too hard about pulling one of Eddie's shirts on, and everything feels almost natural, like it's just another night spent at Eddie's after drinks and games that didn't end up with Eddie fucking him into his bed. Walking into the kitchen, Eddie turns and smiles at him.

"Hey, I was gonna come wake you up when these were done." 

But the illusion melts around him when Eddie goes to kiss him, hand on Buck's waist and head tilted up, and Buck barely manages to conceal his panic, backing away and casting a nervous glance over to the living room.

"Buck?"

"It, um, it- Chris is just over there," he mutters, ears burning.

"...You don't want him to see?"

He shrugs helplessly, avoiding looking at the concerned furrow of Eddie's brow. 

"I- I just, uh... I didn't know if you'd talked to him, yet, about... about everything."

"Everything," Eddie repeats, voice steady in a way that only happens when he's suppressing the thing he really wants to say. When he makes himself look up to meet his eyes, there's a wary look on Eddie's face. "He knows gay people exist, Buck. Of course I've told my son that I'm into men. Do you think he _shouldn't_ know?"

"That's not what I'm saying," Buck pleads, feeling everything he'd wanted slipping through his fingers. "I'm just saying... well, it might be weird for him. Not that you're bi, or seeing you with a man, I know that he's- he's not gonna care about that, just... seeing _me_ with you. And I- I, um. Maybe you've told everyone who needs to know, but I- I haven't, so much."

"You're not out?" Eddie sounds genuinely surprised, face softening, and he steps back into Buck's space, large hand gently resting on his hip. "I'm sorry, man, I guess I just... You seemed so comfortable with it, I didn't realize. I thought you were a lot further ahead with all of this than I am. I didn't mean to push, if it's not something you're ready for."

"It's not that I'm ashamed," Buck hurries to specify. "I'm not. I've known I was bi for a long time. It- it just..."

"You don't have to explain," Eddie interrupts softly, squeezing gently at his hip, maddeningly understanding. _You should make me_ , he thinks helplessly, swallowing around the words sticking in his throat. _You should make me tell you why I can't give you what you need. You should make me tell you why this should end before it's something we can't come back from._ "I'm sorry for assuming."

"It's okay," he breathes, going eagerly when Eddie pulls him into a hug that could be platonic but doesn't feel like it. He gives himself a second to press as close as he can, curling into Eddie and making himself as small as possible, wishing he could tuck his head under Eddie's chin and just disappear into the embrace forever, and then makes himself pull away and clears his throat. "So, bacon?" he asks hopefully, peering over Eddie's shoulder. 

"Shit." Eddie spins around, scrabbling for the spatula and flipping the slightly charred bacon on the pan, and just like that the tension snaps and everything is normal again.

"Oops," he says, giggling. Eddie kicks back at him blindly, but he starts laughing too, shooting a bad impression of a glare over his shoulder.

"Go and get Chris, you menace," he snaps, and he goes gladly, heart warming at the beaming smile Chris sends him when he realizes Buck is there. 

"Morning, Buck!" he chirps, arms up for a hug that Buck happily hauls him up into the air for.

"Morning, buddy! Your dad's almost done with breakfast, come on."

"Mm, _bacon_ ," Chris says reverently. Buck laughs. 

"Hell yeah, bacon." He plops the kid down in a chair and ruffles his hair. "Don't worry," he stage-whispers, leaning down conspiratorially. "I'll make sure your dad gets the burnt bits."

"What're you two talking about over there?" Eddie calls as if he hasn't heard everything, walking over with a plate full of bacon and eggs.

"Nothin'!" Christopher giggles, hand covering his mouth, and being caught between the fond looks of two Diaz boys is exactly what he where he always wants to be.

\---

The good thing about busy days on call is that he doesn't have to think about the state of his relationship with Eddie; he doesn't have _time_ to think about anything other than listening to Bobby, keeping an eye on his team, and inhaling as much food as possible on those rare occasions he has the time to eat. 

That's not to say he avoids Eddie - it's impossible to, out on a call, and when they're not, Eddie is right there, slumping tired against his side or slinging a triumphant arm around his shoulder or, after glancing blow from falling rubble, carefully cradling his face and inspecting the small bruise forming on his forehead. Buck thinks he's about to kiss him, then, his eyes falling when he's satisfied that Buck isn't about to drop dead and landing on his mouth - but Eddie just lets his hand slide to give him a squeeze on the back of the neck and steps away. He can't decide if he's disappointed or relieved, but there's always work to be done, and he lets it slide into the back of his mind where he keeps all of the almost-somethings that have happened between them.

He wouldn't say he's relieved, to have such a busy shift; it would be cruel of him, to be satisfied with other people's pain and terror. He is glad, though, to put his own life to the side and throw himself into being a _firefighter_ ; not Buck, master of fucking up relationships, but someone capable of saving people, someone who knows what to do and is in control. He gets to the end of the shift, and he's aching and sore and beyond tired, but most importantly, he's satisfied with the work they've done today, with the reconfirmation that Firefighter Buckley of the 118, at least, has worth. Has a reason to still be around, sucking up oxygen, when so many deserving people aren't.

Everyone is at least as exhausted as he is - it's been a particularly long shift with practically back-to-back calls, and thankfully there haven't been any that are bad enough for them to have lost anyone, but it's been tiring all the same. The use of pleasantries petered out about hour 26, and by the time they pull into the station, nobody even bothers with talking, instead heading directly to the lockers to strip out of their gear and finally head home. Usually he wouldn't bother with a shower after a shift like this, opting instead for getting home as quickly as possible and dealing with clean up later, but today the lure of hot water is too much and he slips into the showers. 

He doesn't expect anyone to still be there when he emerges, skin flushed red and towel slung around his hips, but there Eddie is, leaning half asleep against the wall. 

"Hey, man, what're you still doing here?" Eddie blinks properly awake, taking a quick look at Buck's bared chest before licking his lips and speaking.

"Waitin' for you. You took ages," he accuses. Buck raises his eyebrows.

"Yeah, well, didn't realize I had anyone waiting on me. What's up?"

He turns to riffle through his locker for clean clothes while he waits for a response, pulling a clean shirt over his head and hesitating for a split second before letting his towel fall to the floor so he can finish getting dressed. It's nothing Eddie hasn't seen before, after all. The room is silent while he pulls clean - well, relatively clean, he's pretty sure - pants on, and he thinks Eddie might have fallen asleep again - but when he turns around, he's wide awake, gaze only raising to meet his eyes once he's all the way around. 

"You waited after a long shift just to watch me get dressed?" he teases, and Eddie just shrugs unrepentantly. 

"No, but I'm not going to turn down the opportunity."

"Still not hearing what you actually wanted, Eddie."

"Oh. Right. Come home with me tonight." It should be a question, but Eddie doesn't phrase it like one, holding his gaze steadily like he isn't going to accept no for an answer. 

"Eddie, I'm exhausted," he says. Not no, he's not brave enough to try a straight-up no, but a soft protest. "And both our trucks are here."

"I'll take you to get your truck when you want to go back to yours," Eddie says simply, pushing himself up with a grunt and walking over into Buck's personal space. "The house is empty; Chris is at abuela's. Come over, please?" 

As tired as he as, there's no way he can say no now. He gets the subtext of the house being empty loud and clear, and this is all he really has to offer Eddie at all; he can't just say _no_ if Eddie is interested. The satisfied smile on Eddie's face shows he knows Buck's going to say yes and he risks a quick kiss before retreating to a safe distance.

"Alright, then, but I'm driving," Buck sighs. "You look dead on your feet."

"You're one to talk," Eddie grumbles, but when they reach the truck he gets into the passenger seat with no complaints, dozing off almost as soon as they peel out onto the road. It's almost a waste, Eddie so relaxed and soft next to him when he can't take the time to study him; there's something special about Eddie asleep, _properly_ asleep, when his guard is completely lowered and the tension in his face is fully smoothed over. He's been lucky enough to see it before, a couple of times, when Eddie has fallen asleep on the couch, head tilted back against the couch cushions, tantalizingly open and vulnerable in a way he almost never is. 

Now, though, he has to keep a careful eye on the road, because the brief boost in energy he got from getting freshly showered is melting off him and the exhaustion of the day is catching up. He'd rather curl up in bed for the next two days than fuck, but that doesn't mean Eddie isn't a gorgeous specimen of a man, and he doesn't want to get them in a wreck because he was too busy watching Eddie sleep to pay attention to the road.

Eddie's so out to it that he doesn't even stir when they pull into the driveway and Buck turns the engine off, the gentle rumble fading into silence. For one, sentimental second Buck considers lifting Eddie out of the truck and carrying him inside much like they've both done for Christopher countless times, but that's not what this is and, besides, Eddie would definitely wake up and wonder what the fuck Buck was trying to do. So instead he unbuckles his belt and leans over, resting a gentle hand on Eddie's shoulder and murmuring his name.

"Mmmghnnn," Eddie mumbles, blinking his eyes open. "Shit, sorry. Didn't mean to fall asleep on you." He yawns and stretches in his seat, shirt riding up to show an enticing stripe of flesh that Buck wants to taste. "We home?"

"No, I pulled over in a random side-street for a bit of road-head," Buck says with an eye-roll, earning himself a sleepy punch on the arm. 

They leave their bags in the car and head inside; Eddie doesn't bother even turning any lights on, just leading Buck through the dark house to his bedroom. He pauses by the kitchen; asks "want anything?" and keeps going when Buck murmurs in the negative, flipping the light of his room on. 

"I need a shower," Eddie says through a yawn. "Help yourself to some of my clothes, I'll be back in a bit." He presses a kiss to the corner of Buck's mouth and leaves him in the room alone. He doesn't figure there's much point in getting dressed just to get _un_ dressed again when Eddie comes back out, but the appeal of wearing Eddie's clothes is too much to resist. He forgoes a shirt, the night warm enough to, and sprawls himself back onto the bed, Eddie's sweatpants not quite reaching his ankles but more comfortable than all of his own clothes all the same. 

Laying down, he fully intended to wait for Eddie to come back into the room - there were even vague ideas of arranging himself alluringly on the bed. But the second he settles into the sheets and is enveloped in Eddie's scent, he's fast asleep. 

He half rouses to Eddie leaning over him, chuckling quietly in a dark room.

"People usually get _into_ bed before they fall asleep, Buck," he says gently, voice so soft and fond his sleepy brain doesn't even know how to process it.

"Nnnn mmm ngh," Buck says.

"Hips up, mi vida," he says, tugging the blanket down when he complies and sliding onto the bed next to him. "Go back to sleep." He thinks there was something else he needed to do, but that sounds like a brilliant idea, and he's drifted off before Eddie has even finished pulling the blanket back up over them.


	4. Chapter 4

Buck wakes late and easy, blissfully absent any alarms and with a warm body pressed against his side. _Eddie_ , his mind supplies, and he snuggles closer under the arm draped over his waist, rolling over to press his face into Eddie's chest with a content sigh. He feels more relaxed than he has in a long time, and he reaches back into his memory as awareness settles over him. Eddie talked him into coming over after a long shift, Buck waited for him on his bed, and then-

Oh. Oh, fuck, then he fell asleep.

The hazy early-morning comfort whips off him like a blanket being yanked away, leaving his veins icy cold in panic.

_Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck._

Shuffling back a bit, he looks up at Eddie's sleeping face, half expecting to be met with a disappointed frown even though he's clearly fast asleep still. Instead, he's met with the exact face he'd so wanted to appreciate on the drive last night - relaxed and open, the years of stress and tension smoothed away, looking so peaceful Buck aches to bottle it up and share that same look with Eddie when he's awake. It's difficult to concentrate on it, though, when he's busy worrying that he's just added another line of stress that's going to appear when he wakes up.

First things first, though, he really needs to piss, so he wriggles carefully out of Eddie's grasp and slips out of the room and down to the bathroom. He's already up, so he figures he might as well _actually_ get up - and he absolutely doesn't spend any time feeling warm at the fact that he's got his own toothbrush, set neatly in between Eddie and Christopher's. Plenty of people have a spare toothbrush at their best friend's house. It's no big deal. 

What is a big deal is the hunger gnawing at his belly, so he heads to the kitchen instead of following temptation back into Eddie's bed, looking into the fridge to see what he can turn into breakfast-slash-lunch good enough to make up for passing out right away last night. The fridge is far from full, but there's enough there for him to cobble something together; eggs, spinach, a bit of cheese, a few mushrooms right at the back with a tomato. Omelets, he decides, piling ingredients onto the counter and grabbing a knife. Nice and easy and, ideally, tasty. 

Spending time in the kitchen with Bobby has made him much more comfortable cooking - Buck 1.0 relied mostly on roommate generosity for home-cooked meals and wouldn't have had the first idea of what to do without a recipe - but Buck 2.0 is confident that the food he's currently dicing is going to end up edible at the very least. Hopefully.

He's most of the way through getting all of the ingredients ready when there's movement from the hallway, and a sleepy Eddie shuffles into the room.

"Mornin'," He says, voice rough with sleep, slumping into a chair and watching Buck move around the kitchen. 

"Afternoon," Buck replies, using his cooking as an excuse to avoid meeting Eddie's eyes, instead sneaking some glances in between chopping. He's leaning on the table, lean chest and strong arms as difficult to tears his eyes away from as ever, and from what Buck can tell, the only look on his face is of someone just woken up from a satisfying rest - and, increasingly, someone whose appetite is making itself known. 

"What're you making?" Eddie asks after a few minutes of silence, hunger seeming to win out over laziness.

"Omelets," he replies, glancing over his shoulder at Eddie while he grabs the eggs. "Sound good?"

"Very," Eddie says emphatically. His gaze is intent when Buck makes brief eye contact, but the smile he gets is easy and genuine, so he starts to relax. He can admit now, with Eddie sitting near him being very much not angry, that the idea of Eddie actually being _angry_ at him for not putting out wasn't a fear entirely grounded in reality. That's not the type of person Eddie is. Buck still feels bad, though, and it wouldn't be unfair of Eddie to be a bit put out by Buck's early night, so he continues with his apology meal anyway.

Admittedly, by the time he's done they end up less "omelets" and more "scrambled eggs with bits dumped in," but Eddie is good enough to not mention it when Buck deposits the plate in front of him with a flourish.

"Thanks," he mumbles through a mouthful of food, belatedly remembering his manners after shoving a forkful into his mouth.

"You're very welcome," Buck replies - _before_ putting food in his mouth - and they fall into silence for the length of time it takes them to inhale the meal.

"I knew there was a reason I keep you around," Eddie sighs when he's done, voice sounding fond and pleased and sending a welcome shiver of pleasure through Buck. He's forgiven for wiping out before anything could happen last night, he reckons.

"Yeah yeah. I don't know why _I'm_ here; I only put up with you so I can hang out with Christopher, and now you've got me slaving away in the kitchen," he teases. Eddie hums, looking relaxed and content and sleep-ruffled, and Buck's heart aches with want - god, what he wouldn't give to wake up to this every day. That's the greedy, selfish part of him talking, though, and he knows he's lucky to get this at all. So he just smiles and enjoys it and leaves the emo thoughts for later. 

"I'm sure he'll get home after dinner hopped up on sugar," Eddie says. "You're welcome to help him burn off all of that energy so he actually gets some sleep tonight."

"You want me to still be here when he gets back?" Buck asks before his brain catches up with him. Eddie stares at him for a second, looking taken aback and then hesitant.

"Oh. I mean, yeah, I thought... Only if you want to, it's- I don't mind if you had something else planned, obviously."

"No," Buck blurts. "No, I just- just thought- I don't know, I didn't know if you, uh, wanted- wanted me here that long. Of course I want to stay." He knows his face must be bright red, he can feel it burning, but at least Eddie is relaxing again, treating Buck to that smile he loves.

"Of course I want you here, Buck." He says it easily, like it's the most obvious thing in the world, and pulls him in by the neck, kissing him lazily. Buck goes easily, letting Eddie lick into his mouth and stroke a thumb across his jaw, unashamed of the way he tries to chase Eddie when he pulls back with a chuckle.

"Got any pressing plans today?" he asks, voice low and rumbly, and Buck has to physically restrain himself from fluttering his damn eyelashes in response.

"Nope," he says instead, drinking in the pleased smile on Eddie's face.

"Good." Eddie pats his cheek and stands up, grabbing both of their plates and making his way into the kitchen. "Go put the TV on while I put these away?"

"Huh?"

"The TV? Television? I know you know what they are, you hog mine often enough."

"Uh, right," Buck manages, blinking a few times in surprise. "On it." He hops up and does as asked, TV blinking on to some reality show, and perches on the couch. A large part of him had been expecting Eddie to drag him back to bed as soon as possible, but when Eddie comes back into the room fully clothed and balancing his laptop on his arm, he realizes that he's here in a mainly best-friend capacity today.

It's - not a relief, exactly. It's not like he minds coming over to blow off some steam and have mind-blowing orgasms while he's at it. But it take a weight off his shoulders, realizing that Eddie really doesn't mind that Buck fell asleep so quickly last night, that he's not going to mind that Buck is really just feeling very, very lazy today and could definitely go in for a Netflix marathon in his pajamas - in fact, more than not mind, it looks like that's exactly what he's planning for today as well. 

"What do you feel like?" Eddie asks, kneeling in front of the TV and hooking up his laptop.

"People are saying The Witcher is good," Buck offers, switching the input to Eddie's laptop. As expected, Eddie grimaces.

"That sounds like fantasy."

"That would be because it is."

"Mmm," Eddie hums, pretending to think about it, and Buck laughs. 

"Alright, mister boring. I'll watch it by myself. Uh, did we finish those new Nailed It episodes?" There's a pause as Eddie navigates the site, and then,

"No, doesn't look like it." He clicks play, shooting a grateful look at Buck for hammering on the volume down button, and settles on the couch - on the couch but not next to him, Buck notes, nerves sending his heart-rate up again. Eddie just pats his hands on his thighs, though, looking sideways at Buck expectantly. "Swing your legs over," he clarifies after a few seconds of confusion, in a tone of voice that implies Buck is the one not making much sense. 

"Uh, alright," he says, doing as asked and leaning back against the arm of the chair, legs thrown over Eddie's lap.

"How's your leg feeling?" Eddie asks, one eye on the TV and the other on where his hand is smoothing down Buck's thigh. 

Oh.

"Fine," Buck says, fighting a blush. "A little bit stiff, that's all."

"Hmm." He doesn't say anything else about it, but he starts pressing his thumbs gently into Buck's skin over his borrowed sweatpants, starting at his knee. It's not a proper massage, not really, but it soothes Buck's tired muscles all the same, and he finds himself melting into the couch and Eddie's hands, only half paying attention to the show and enjoying the gentle pressure. 

He didn't think he was tired, but he finds himself half dozing even with the loud bursts of noise coming from the TV, Eddie's warmth and hands more relaxing than anything he can think of even when the not-massage turns into Eddie resting one hand on his knee and the other on his hip, thumb rubbing gentle, distracted circles on his skin. 

It's an unwelcome tug back to reality when Eddie lifts his legs after he's-not-even-sure-how-many episodes, pushing off the couch and leaving Buck to lever himself back into a seated position with a grumble. He's just made himself comfortable when Eddie appears back in front of him, a bottle of beer held out under Buck's nose.

"Day drinking, Diaz?" He asks, eyebrows raised, but takes the offered bottle.

"Not like we have anywhere we need to be today," Eddie says with a shrug, settling back down beside him. "It's past midday on a weekend, it's fine."

"Always 5 o'clock somewhere," Buck agrees, pleased with himself for the way Eddie smiles around the mouth of his bottle. 

He can't sprawl himself across Eddie like he had been before and still drink without spilling his beer all over himself, but he can and does lean against his side, heart fluttering stupidly when Eddie throws a casual arm across his shoulders. It should be a bit awkward, considering Buck is the one with a height advantage here, but it just feels comfortable, the weight and warmth of Eddie damping down his restless nerves and leaving him content and lazy and perfectly happy watching TV. 

They go through another two beers each, making idle conversation between judging other people's baking attempts.

"Almost time for dinner, I think," Eddie says eventually, and Buck just hums, content right now to do anything Eddie wants. 

"Definitely time for another beer," he says, waving his empty bottle in front of Eddie's face. It gets snatched out of his hand, and Eddie shoves him a little to the side, taking both empties into the kitchen.

"The fridge is looking pretty bare," Eddie calls back after a moment. "Might have to be pizza tonight. You in?" 

'Sure' almost makes it out of his mouth, but he catches himself, hesitates and looks down at his bare torso. He's not _out of_ shape, and he's certainly more than fighting fit for his job... But looking like this doesn't happen by lounging around and indulging in a warm and cozy home life that's not really his. Eddie can get away with it - that naturally lithe frame and that self-control and that _face_ , he still looks more than stunning no matter how lax he is. Buck, though - there's a reason he has to go to the lengths of monitoring himself with things like DEXA scans. His efforts in that regard are the only reason he can relax like this in the first place.

"Buck?" A cold beer bumps against his temple and he jolts away, swatting automatically at Eddie who's looking down at him with a raised eyebrow. "Pizza?"

"Uh, I probably shouldn't, man," Buck says, taking the offered beer now that it's not freezing off part of his forehead. "You've got me completely off my meal plan lately."

"Oh, right. Sorry, I just thought-"

"It's fine," he cuts in. "It's been nice. I should just, y'know, cook myself a proper meal for tonight."

"Okay. Well, me and Chris don't mind having whatever you are."

"I, uh, I don't think Chris would be very happy with what I was gonna cook," he hedges, trying to wrangle a way to head to the gym and work himself into exhaustion without needlessly worrying Eddie, but the way Eddie's face starts to shutter closed in disappointment makes that impossible. "So, uh, look, I'll grab him something frozen to chuck in the oven while I'm making everything else, if that's cool?"

"Yeah, man. I can go and get what we need, I should probably do some shopping anyway."

"No, it's fine, I'll- I was gonna head to the gym anyway, I'll grab some stuff on the way ho- um, back from the gym. Just send a text with what Chris wants?"

"Okay. I'll drop you off at your truck, when you want to go," Eddie agrees, face open again and so affectionate it hurts. _I don't deserve that look_ , Buck can't help but think, panic trying to close his throat. _I can't keep it there_. Ripping the band-aid off and stopping everything right now, giving Eddie a chance to start looking for someone who deserves to be let into the wall Eddie has built around himself, would be the best thing for both of them in the long run. It would stop the inevitable souring of their relationship that's going to happen when Eddie realizes that Buck can't be what Eddie needs. 

But for all that Buck earns a living off _not_ being a coward, he's far too much of a coward to lose this, so instead of running, he just chances a quick kiss to the corner of Eddie's mouth in thanks and forces himself to finish his beer rather than sneaking into the kitchen and tipping it down the sink.


	5. Chapter 5

He wants to work harder. He _could_ work harder. But going back to Eddie's place with wobbly legs and burning muscles wouldn't be a good look, so he resigns himself to a more moderate workout and tries to get the most out of it. It takes considerable effort to force himself into the shower instead of _just one more rep_ , but he does, mindful of the time as he showers and then takes a detour through the supermarket on his way back to Eddie's house. 

"I'm ho-ome," he sing-songs as he lets himself in, squashing his nerves down with a false display of brash confidence.

"Buck!" There's the tell-tale sound of Christopher shuffling over to meet him, and the tension in his shoulders eases like magic.

"Hey, buddy!" he enthuses, bending down to accept the hug Chris envelopes him in, indulging himself by dropping a kiss onto the top of his head.

"Finally, the chef arrives." Eddie is leaning against the doorway, that soft look he gets on his face around Christopher in full force. "We were just about starving to death, waiting for you." 

"No we weren't, dad!" Christopher protests. Buck grins. 

"Yeah, Eddie, no you weren't," he says. "Chris has my back against your slander, don't you?"

"Uh-huh," Chris says, bobbing his head in enthusiastic agreement. 

"Alright, then, I guess I'll still make dinner. You think your dad deserves any?" Chris wrinkles his brow and places a hand on his chin, making a show of considering it, drawing a wounded "Christopher!" from Eddie.

"...Yeah," he says finally with a more sedate, thoughtful nod.

"Well, alright, if you say so."

"How gracious of you," Eddie says wryly. "Want any help?"

"Nah, I got it, man. You keep doing whatever traitor things you were doing." Eddie just rolls his eyes and claps him on the shoulder, leaving Buck to head to the kitchen and set about cooking them all dinner, calling the Diaz boys to the table when he's done. 

He knows the meal is shit - it's meant to be _healthy_ , not tasty, and was also meant to just be for him - but Eddie eats without complaint, even if he does also nab some of Chris's dinosaur nuggets, and Chris himself seems perfectly happy with his special-made nuggets and veggies.

"Sorry, I know it didn't taste great," Buck apologizes when they're done, watching Eddie wash up in the kitchen - "you cooked, I clean," he'd said when Buck tried to help - but Eddie just smiles and shakes his head.

"It was fine. I didn't have to cook, so it was more than fine, really." He flicks some water in Buck's direction, to which Buck responds by wrinkling his nose and flicking up his middle finger. "Go on, go make yourself comfortable on the couch. I'll be done in a minute and I promise not to fall in without your supervision."

"Well, if you _promise_ ," Buck sighs, pushing off from the kitchen counter and making sure he brushes against Eddie's side when he goes past. Chris is perched on the couch when he gets into the room, PlayStation controller in his hands, and he sends one of his toothy grins Buck's way. 

"What are we watching, buddy?" Buck asks, dropping onto the couch next to him.

"I'm still deciding," Chris says seriously, frowning at the screen with the concentration of a fighter pilot as he trawls through Netflix.

"Well I trust you," he says, earning himself a gentle pat on the knee. By the time Chris has settled on something, Eddie is done with the washing up, situating himself on the other side of Chris with an arm thrown over the back of the couch, fingers brushing against Buck's shoulder. They don't get through more than an episode before it's Christopher's bedtime - there's a lot of pausing for Chris to excitedly expound upon what's happening in the episode, and honestly, Buck loves those parts most of all. It's funny just how different Chris is from his dad in some ways - he's downright gleeful to share how his thoughts about everything where Eddie is taciturn at the best of times. He considers himself blessed to be able to be here for these moments, listening to Christopher chatter happily while Eddie stretches out on the couch, warm and relaxed and open.

"Time for bed, bud," Eddie says when the closing credits run up the screen. 

"No!" Christopher protests, throwing a wrench in said protest when he immediately breaks into a jaw-crackingly wide yawn.

"Yup," Eddie says, amused. "Come on, say goodnight to Buck."

Chris pouts but acquiesces, leaning into Buck's hug and then tugging him down to press a clumsy kiss to his cheek. 

"'Night, Buck."

"'Night, buddy. Have a good sleep." He kisses Christopher's cheek in return and lets him go so Eddie can hoist him up into his arms. "Night!" he repeats, waving at the sleepy child already drifting off in his father's arms. Eddie smiles at him as they disappear into the hallway, and Buck makes himself comfortable, stretching out and settling himself into the couch cushions. Trailers for some show have started unprompted and he lets them run, half watching while Eddie gets Christopher settled.

"He down?" Buck asks when Eddie walks back into the room.

"Out like a light," he replies, dropping onto the couch right next to Buck, his thigh pressing warm against Buck's and eyes gleaming with purpose that has Buck's heart stirring in anticipation.

Eddie's hand curls around the back of his neck, pulling him in, and Buck feels himself melt into the kiss, into the heated, unhurried movement of Eddie's mouth. This he knows. This he can do. _This_ , at least, is an area he can be fairly sure he won't disappoint or be unable to give Eddie everything he needs.

They kiss lazily for a long time, long enough that Buck ends up on his back, Eddie slotted between his thighs, making out on the couch like Buck hasn't done since he was a teenager. He's hard, can feel that Eddie is too, thick against his hip, but for once orgasm isn't even on his mind - he'd happily go on like this forever, the arousal as pleasant and warm in his gut as the anticipation of cumming ever had been, and Eddie hasn't made any signs of wanting to push anything forward either, just pressing himself firmly against Buck and occasionally gently rolling their hips together.

"I think we should probably go to bed," Eddie murmurs against his lips some time later, voice rough. Buck hums in agreement then licks back into Eddie's mouth without making any other attempt to move, swallowing Eddie's chuckle and whining unapologetically when Eddie actually pushes up and onto his feet - and _off_ Buck. "C'mon, _bed_ ," he insists, holding his hands out for Buck to hold, looking like something out of a wet dream - hair tousled by Buck's gripping fingers, lips wet and red, eyes dark, and _fuck_ but Buck can't believe he gets to see Eddie so undone.

"Fine," he mutters, taking hold of Eddie's hands and letting himself be hauled onto his feet. Eddie hustles him out of the room, guiding him with a possessive hand on his hip, and god that does things to him, Eddie _wanting_ him so much and letting Buck feel it. The manhandling doesn't let up until he's been pushed onto the bed and Eddie has settled himself on top of him, and even with the pressure of whatever their relationship is pressing him down harder than Eddie ever could, he can't bring himself to regret having this.

It's rough and quick, now that they've finally made it to bed, Eddie pinning him down and rocking against him, shoving their pants down just far enough for them to rut together skin to skin and his orgasm comes almost as a surprise, arousal spilling over without warning and leaving him shuddering and gasping into Eddie's shoulder. 

" _Buck_ ," Eddie moans, breath hot against Buck's ear, body going taut before he spills onto Buck's stomach. He slumps onto his side and hooks an arm around Buck's waist, pressing a kiss to Buck's shoulder.

"You hanging out tomorrow?" Eddie murmurs against his skin after they've gotten their breath back.

"Uh, I should really head home," Buck says, feeling guilty already in anticipation of Chris's crestfallen face. "I'd rather spend the day with you guys, but, you know, I do have a house of my own. And plenty of housework to do." Eddie grumbles but accepts his argument when Buck promises to make breakfast before he goes, settling himself half on top of Buck and quickly going lax with sleep. Buck tries to stay awake at least a little longer, to burn this comfortable warmth into his memory, but before he knows it his eyes are closed and he's lost to the world.

Predictably, Christopher isn't very pleased with the news that Buck won't be staying another day - that kid is the best thing he's ever found for his self-esteem, he swears - but a plateful of pancakes is enough to win him back over. And his father, if the amount of pancakes Eddie shovels into his mouth is any indication - not that Buck is complaining. It feels good, to be able to give Eddie something, little as a breakfast is - and, if the ravenous attack on the food makes it easy for Buck to get away with not having any himself, so much the better. 

He heads right for the gym after saying goodbye and pushes himself hard, makes himself rep to failure, working out all his shitty, confusing feelings into the burn of his muscles.

He knows it's not the best way of dealing with things. He knows he can't keep it up for long without doing some kind of damage. But he's been making sacrifices all his life to look the way he does, and hell, it's better than booze or meaningless sex or beating people's noses down their own throat. He knows his limits. So he pushes himself until he can barely lock his limbs and he feels like throwing up, but he _can_ stand strong and he _doesn't_ throw up and then he stops, because he's in control of this. Because he's got a lot of problems, but this isn't one of them, and he's not going to let it turn into one. And if, when he gets home, he can't do anything other than slump onto his empty couch in his empty flat and listlessly half-watch a program he couldn't give a fuck about, that's just the price he has to pay for being so weak earlier.

\---

Thankfully, he doesn't have to make a decision about where to go after their next shift; it's a busy one, calls coming back to back, and they're all well and truly done by the time their shift is over. Obviously, this means that they all end up at a bar - Hen's choice this time - drinking away the past 48 hours.

Talk turns to relationships - more specifically, the _ends_ of relationships. Hen regales them with the story of a disastrous first-and-last date, Chimney has more than his share of break-up stories to share, and even Eddie sheepishly talks about one of his high school girlfriends and how he royally fucked that up. They're in the middle of lurid stories of first heartbreaks when Chimney reaches over the table to nudge Buck's shoulder. 

"What about you, Buck? Come on, join us in reminiscing over our teenage misery."

"He can't," Hen says with a smirk. "Buck here is a heart breaker, I bet he never got broken up with as a teenager."

"No I wasn't," he protests. "I mean, my breakup with Alex was pretty shitty."

"Alex, huh? I've never heard about her," Hen says, frowning over at him. "I don't need to put her in my list of 'friend's exes to hold a grudge against forever', do I?"

"No, no, uh, it ended kind of messy but- well." He risks a quick, nervous glance over at Eddie, and despite everything, the reassuring look he gets in return soothes his nerves. "He was, um. He was my first boyfriend, is all, and I- I thought- well, I thought it was- I took it more seriously than he did, apparently."

"Oh!" The look of genuine surprise on Hen's face makes his stomach churn, and he chews nervously on his lip, already regretting the decision. Of all of them, Hen's the one he's most dreaded coming out to. But the surprise quickly smooths over into commiseration, and she just nods.

"That's rough."

"Hey, man, I know the feeling," Chimney chimes with a sympathetic bob of the head. "One minute you're on your knee proposing, the next they're packing their things and leaving while you're coma'd out in the hospital."

"You know not _everything_ is about you, Chim," Hen teases, poking him in the arm. "Just because our boy didn't have rebar through his head doesn't mean it didn't suck."

"Oh, I know," Chim says with an unapologetic shrug. "Just wanted to remind everyone that I still hold the prize for worst breakup story."

Everyone rolls their eyes, the conversation moves on to a general ribbing of Chim in defense of Buck, and it's good, it's so good of his team to know he needs this to not be a Thing, but the unconditional support is almost more overwhelming, everything is _too much_ , and he quietly slips away from the table, shouldering his way into the blessedly empty bathroom and sucking in a deep, shaky breath.

He shouldn't have done that.

Years of quietly sidestepping around anything that might cast doubts on his heterosexuality and he lets one stupid moment of optimism fucking ruin everything.

And he doesn't even get to have a proper breakdown over it, because he's in a public bathroom where anyone could walk in and Eddie is doing just that, slipping into the room with a stupid look of concern on his stupid pretty face.

"Hey, man, you alright?"

"Yup," he replies, steadfastly pretending his voice isn't wobbly so they don't have to have A Conversation. "Just need to take a leak, so, unless you want to watch..."

"It's okay if you're not," Eddie says instead of taking the hint. "I know it's a big thing, what you just did. You don't have to... I don't know, be fine with it, right away. It's okay to feel, well, whatever you're feeling." Buck laughs, the sound hollow and mirthless.

"And what is it you think I'm feeling, Eddie?"

Eddie shrugs uneasily, and Buck wonders for a second if this is where this whole thing is going to break apart - in the public bathroom of a cheap bar, Eddie reaching out of his comfort zone and Buck throwing his own unworthiness in Eddie's face instead of taking his hand.

"I don't know. I don't know, Buck, embarrassed? Ashamed?"

"I'm not _ashamed_ of being bi, Eddie! For fuck's sake, that's one of the only things I'm n- it's not about me being ashamed or embarrassed about being bi, it's- it's about being ashamed of being _me_ and being bi, of- of being a- a fucking _stereotype_."

"Buck, I'm sorry, I don't..." Eddie trails off with a little, lost shake of his head. Buck sighs angrily, knowing it's not Eddie's fault that he isn't an embarrassing stereotype like himself but hating him a little bit anyway.

"Well what do shitty people think of when they think of bi people, Eddie? Sleazy, slutty idiots who can't keep their pants on? Who does that remind you of, huh? The way I used to be, I've hardly earned the right to use the label."

"That's what this is about? Buck 1.0? Look, Buck, you had sex with people who wanted to have sex with you. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Maybe not. I- I didn't do anything _right_ , though, did I? I'm hardly- hardly a good representation of a bisexual man, am I? Couldn't even keep my dick in my pants for a whole day, fucking anybody who looked at me twice, I was- was pretty much the exact person all those puritanical assholes say all bi men are. Not exactly doing fucking wonders for the community, huh?"

Eddie's lips are pressed together tight, his brow furrowed, something like anger hard on his face, and Buck feels sick with shame and relieved at the same time. But instead of letting the anger snap out at Buck, Eddie reaches out with gentle hands and cups his face, thumbs rubbing soft against his cheeks.

"Buck. You're not- look, you're not the representative of all bi men everywhere. You don't have to live up to some bigots idea of acceptable to be- I don't know, _worthy_ of calling yourself bi, of _being_ bi."

"That doesn't mean I'm not- not perpetuating people's shitty ideas. I mean, you're saying you- you wouldn't have hated me, back then? That you'd have let me into your life, in, into _Christopher's_ life, if I'd still been acting that way when you met me?"

" _Yes,_ " Eddie insists, so sure of himself that Buck almost believes him. "So you were having lots of sex. Lots of _consensual_ sex. Buck, who cares? I get it if you regret some of the stuff you did when you were younger, fuck, we all do, but - you being comfortable in your sexuality, that's not a bad thing. That could never be a bad thing, alright? So no, I _wouldn't_ have hated you. Never for that. I mean, yeah, I... I probably would have been jealous. I've never... it's not something I've ever been comfortable with, until recently, so yeah, okay, I probably would have hated you a little bit for being so comfortable with yourself. But not because I think it's some sort of moral failure, Buck, okay? Fuck what those assholes would have to say about it. You could have orgies every night and they wouldn't be justified in what they say - _you_ wouldn't be _responsible_ for what they say. They don't matter! The people who know you, the people who love you, they're who matter - _you_ matter."

Tears burn his eyes, and he blinks rapidly, shaking his head out of Eddie's grip and turning away.

"I just- I wish I hadn't- I wish I could _take it away_ ," he whines, tears finally spilling over.

"I know, Buck. I know, but everyone has a past, and nobody has a perfect one."

Eddie's arms wrap tight around his waist, and despite himself he leans into it, tucking himself small, grabbing desperately at Eddie's wrists and letting him press a gentle kiss to Buck's jaw.

"I'm sorry," he manages, tears well and truly running down his face now. "I'm sorry," he repeats, at a loss for exactly which of many possible things he's apologizing for. Eddie just squeezes him tight and presses their cheeks together.

"It's okay, Buck. You're okay."


	6. Chapter 6

Crying in a public bathroom wasn't where he expected or wanted his night to go. It's where he is, though, curled into Eddie's embrace, face pressed into his shoulder, Eddie's hand cradling his neck and cheek pressed against his head. They can't stay here much longer, not if Buck wants to avoid some stranger walking in on him sobbing into his best friend's shoulder - he's lucky that hasn't already happened - but now that the floodgates are open, it's proving incredibly difficult to stop. 

"I've got you," Eddie murmurs into his ear, smoothing a hand up and down Buck's back.

"Sorry," Buck mumbles for what feels like the thousandth time. "Sorry, it- I know it- it's stupid."

"It's not stupid, Buck," Eddie says calmly. Buck isn't convinced, but he knows he's not going to win that argument right now, so he just focuses on getting his breathing under control - something that's easier than it otherwise might be when every breath gets him a lungful of Eddie's scent. 

"Okay, okay, I'm- I'm good," he manages after a few minutes, forcing himself to break the embrace and pull away from Eddie's arms. "So, how badly do I look like I've just been crying in a bathroom?" he asks after scrubbing his hands over his face, forcing a small, nervous laugh.

"You look fine, Buck." 

"Just fine?" he asks, forcing on a show of bravado to deflect from the way Eddie's warm gaze is sending his heart stuttering.

"Just fine," Eddie agrees with a barely contained smirk, easily stepping away from Buck's offended swat. "You good to go back out?"

"Yeah. I- I think I might head home, actually," Buck says, feeling guilty but exhausted. Eddie just nods, showing no signs of disappointment.

"Okay. Night's almost over, anyway, I think. Let's go say our goodbyes and I'll get you home."

"You don't have to leave," Buck protests, following Eddie out of the bathroom.

"I kind of do," Eddie says, sounding amused. "I drove you here, remember?"

"Oh." He... may have forgotten. "Sorry, I- I didn't mean to put you out."

"You're not putting me out, Buck," he says, voice fondly exasperated. "I'd be leaving with you anyway."

"You don't-"

"I know I don't have to," Eddie cuts in. "I want to, and unless you don't want me there, I'm going to."

"No," Buck says automatically. "I- I mean... you don't have to, but... I. I would- I would like it, if you came over."

"Good," Eddie says simply, resting a gentle hand on Buck's lower back as they come up to the rest of the team. "Hey, guys, it's getting late, so we're gonna head home."

"You sure?" Chim's question is ostensibly directed at them both, but the way his worried gaze is locked on Buck gives him away.

"Yeah, just ready to call it a night," Buck supplies, hoping his smile is convincing and his red eyes unnoticeable. 

"We'll see you tomorrow," Hen says, not so subtly stomping Chimney's foot. "Stay safe!"

"You too," Eddie replies for them both, leading Buck out of the bar and into his truck. 

The journey home is quiet; Buck doesn't feel like talking tonight, and Eddie is always happy to sit in silence, listening to wind whistle past the windows and city life rumbling around them. It's only when they reach Buck's apartment, engine off and Buck reaching for his seat-belt, that he starts to look hesitant. 

"You want me around right now?"

"Please," Buck says quietly, too worn raw and tired to try and pretend, and thankfully it's all Eddie needs before he's swinging himself out of his truck and walking with Buck to his apartment, bumping into him affectionately on the way. 

They've only just made it into the kitchen before his phone starts buzzing - a call from Maddie, according to the screen when he fishes his phone out of his pocket. 

"I'll get the TV set up," Eddie says when Buck looks up at him with a guilty grimace, pressing a quick kiss to his mouth before leaving him alone to take the call.

"Hey, Maddie, what's up?"

"Just checking how you are," she says, voice gentle and careful, and oh. Buck sighs.

"Chim told you?"

"Well, no, not exactly," she says, sounding worried and vaguely guilty. "He _started_ to say something about you being upset and then clammed up and said it wasn't his to talk about, which was _slightly_ worrying. Is everything okay? You know you can be honest with me, Buck." It hadn't even occurred to him that Chimney _wouldn't_ immediately pass everything on to Maddie, and he can't help but be touched. Maddie already knows he's bi, but it was thoughtful of Chimney to keep it quiet if he wasn't sure.

"Everything is fine, Mads. Promise. I just, uh. I came out tonight."

" _Oh_. Oh, Buck, I'm so proud of you!"

"I mean, it wasn't a big deal, but- thank you." Maddie hums happily.

"Well, I'm proud of you anyway. And happy for you. How are you feeling about it? Chim kind of made it sound like you were...?"

"No, I'm good, Maddie. Really. Everyone was great, it- it just kind of hit me harder than I thought it was going to. But I'm good. Great."

"Good. I'm glad. But, are you- are you by yourself? You can always come over if you want company, you know that."

"Thanks, Mads, but I'm fine. I'm with Eddie, actually."

"Oh, really?" she says, surprise and relief colouring her voice. His first instinct is to snap at her, to ask why the hell she would think Eddie would ever not support Buck in this, but he manages to keep himself in check. Being glad doesn't mean she assumed Eddie would have a problem with it, it just means she's being a big sister, glad he's safe. 

"Yeah, so, don't worry, I am being well taken care of." He glances across the room to where Eddie is busying himself flicking through channels, a warm wave running across his skin. 

"Okay. Good. So, is this... You're okay with people knowing, now?"

"Yeah. I mean, everyone important knows, everyone else- I don't care what they think."

"Good. You shouldn't. Look, I'll let you get back to what you're doing, but just remember that I'm so proud of you, and I love you."

"Love you too, Mads. Talk to you later."

"Bye!" There's a shuffling noise from the speakers and then the call cuts out. He squeezes the phone tight and puts it down, pushing up off the chair and walking over to the couch.

"Hey," Eddie says, throwing an arm across Buck's shoulders and pulling him close. "Good talk?"

"Yeah, really good." He lets himself cuddle into Eddie's side, figuring that if ever he's earnt a cuddle, it's now. "What're we watching?" 

In lieu of a verbal answer, Eddie grabs the remote and drops it onto Buck's lap with a dramatic swing of his arm. 

"Oh, Eddie Diaz is giving _me_ control of the remote? I'm honoured," Buck laughs. Eddie snorts and pinches his arm.

" _For tonight_."

"You've already given me an inch, Diaz. You know there's no getting out of it now," he says. An unbearably fond sigh and the gentle thump of Eddie leaning his head against Buck's own is the only reply he gets to that - but even that is more than enough to get his heart pounding. 

_Just tonight_ , he thinks. Just tonight, he'll let himself have domestic, soft, fond Eddie and not scramble for a way to pay him back. And if he indulges himself in imagining what it would be like to have this until they're old and grey, then the only person he's hurting is himself.

\---

His romantic daydreams-turned-dreams are cut cruelly short when he's half-roused far too early with a kiss on the cheek and an apologetic murmur - something about needing to run home before his shift. Which is an incredibly rude way to tell him, in Buck's own unbiased opinion, because it's a lot harder to latch onto Eddie and not let go when the man is already dressed and out of bed, pulling away from Buck's grabbing hands easily and letting himself out of the apartment. 

It's not that he begrudges Eddie _really_. It's just that, as greedy as it makes him, he kind of really wants Eddie there with him when he gets to work. He doesn't _exactly_ expect everyone in the station to ogle at him when he gets there - but, well, he kind of does. Everyone has much bigger things to worry about than who Buck is into, he knows that, but he can't help feeling like he's walking in accompanied by a massive spotlight. 

Nothing out of the ordinary happens, though; there are the usual nods of acknowledgement and cheerful greetings, but he's largely unassailed on his walk to the locker room, and he's already starting to settle back into his normal routine as he changes into his uniform and sits down to do up his boots.

"How are you doing?" Buck looks up, startled, as Hen sits down next to him on the bench.

"Uh, fine. Why?"

"Just checking in." She nudges his shoulder gently with hers. "It was a big thing you did, last night." Buck grimaces. 

"It shouldn't be."

"In an ideal world, sure," Hen says with a shrug. "We both know that's not the world we live in, though." She hesitates. "Look, you don't have to tell me, or even really have a reason, but... If the reason you never told us was that you were worried about how we would react, I hope you know that it hasn't changed how we feel about you at all."

"It's not that," he reassures her hurriedly. "It just- it never came up, you know, and then it started feeling like saying anything would make it seem like a big deal even though it wasn't and then it just... it just, uh, I was coming out of being Buck 1.0, you know? And I- I guess I didn't- didn't want anyone to think I was... I don't know, just being horny?" He shrugs and forces a laugh, but Hen frowns, looking troubled.

"I'm sorry you thought that. You've come a long way and we're really proud of you, Buck, but- all the good parts of you, they've always been there. We love you now, but don't forget we loved Buck 1.0, too." Sometimes he doesn't know whether he loves or hates how perceptive his little family can be. 

"Thanks, Hen," he manages through the sudden tightness in his throat. 

"Don't mention it." She opens her arms for a hug that Buck gladly barrels into, wrapping his arms around her tight. 

"I love you too, you know," he says when she manages to extract herself.

"You better, Buckaroo," she says, clapping him on the arm. "Come on, time to get to work before Bobby sends a rescue team."

He doesn't get a pep talk from the rest of his team, but he does get an affectionate one-armed hug from Chimney and an especially fond, bordering on proud, smile from Bobby. Other than that, everything just feels... normal. They're the same well-oiled machine they've always been, and it's refreshingly easy to just get back into the swing of things, cramming as much food and rest in between call-outs as they can. He's been careful to be mindful of how good he has it with his team, after the whole lawsuit debacle he's still trying to crawl back from, and today is definitely a good day - helped along by the way Eddie has been especially touchy-feely the whole time. 

It's not a particularly difficult shift. The call outs they get are relatively minor - microwave misuse, a thoroughly singed kitchen and a sheepish boyfriend, what's called in as a car crash but ends up being a minor fender-bender - and they have a lot of downtime. And when they're not on a call, Eddie is plastered against his side. Which, on the face of it, isn't anything out of the ordinary - Buck is happy to admit they've basically been connected at the hip since pulling a grenade out of a dude's leg. Usually, though, Buck is the initiator of the more brash displays of affection; Eddie is always more low-key than Buck, in this as in everything else.

Today, though, he makes an exception. He's there practically every time Buck turns around, and if he'd been anyone else, Buck would have been feeling hemmed in and fucking sick of him by lunchtime. It's _not_ anyone else, though, so he has a smile on his face and a weight off his chest all the way up to them in the locker room, getting ready to go home.

"Hey, you coming over tonight?" Eddie asks, glancing over at Buck while he smooths down his shirt.

"Yeah, if you'll have me."

"We'll always have you, Buck, you know that," Eddie says with a fond eye-roll. Buck just smiles back, pleased warmth warring with the knowledge that that won't always be strictly true - but for right now it is, so that's what he makes himself concentrate on.

"Need me to grab anything from the supermarket on the way over?" He asks, banging his locker closed and falling into step with Eddie on the way out of the station.

"Ah, yeah, there are a few things we need, actually. You sure you don't mind going in?"

"Nah, it's fine. You can make it up to me later," he says with an exaggerated wink that makes Eddie rolls his eyes and look away.

"I'll text you a list," he says instead of responding. "Here, I don't have any cash on me, but just put it on my card, you know the pin, right?" Buck does, but he shakes his head, grabbing Eddie's wrist to keep him from getting his wallet out. 

"I've got it, man, don't worry about it."

Eddie frowns.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Gotta make sure you can keep up with those truck payments," he says, bumping Eddie off his step with his shoulder.

"I'm doing _fine_ with the payments," Eddie huffs. "Fine, then, spend your own money on my groceries. I'll see you at home."

"See you soon!" Buck chirps, glad to be able to prove his worth.

\---

His phone buzzes in his pocket right when he steps out of the supermarket, and a quick glance shows it's Maddie calling.

"Hey," he answers.

"Hey, baby brother!"

"What do you want," Buck asks immediately, narrowing his eyes suspiciously even though she can't see him. 

"What, I can't be calling my favorite sibling just to talk?" Maddie asks, theatrically wounded.

"Not when you're piling on the flattery, no, you can't. What's going on, Maddie?"

"Nothing!" Her voice pitches up defensively. "I just wanted to tell you that me and Chim are having a poker night tomorrow and you're coming!"

'I am, am I?" Buck asks, amused. "Funny, I don't remember agreeing to that."

"Well, that's what this call is for. I know that you're off work then and, I mean, let's be honest, it's not like you have any plans anyway."

"Uh, I _do_ have plans, actually," he says defensively. "With Eddie."

"And by 'have plans with Eddie' do you mean you're going to sit in front of a TV all night playing video games and drinking beer?" She asks pointedly.

"I- well, maybe, but they're still plans, Maddie, I'm not gonna just cancel on him."

"Well, you don't have to cancel on me, either. Just bring him with you, problem solved."

"It's not _canceling_ if I haven't actually _made_ plans, and anyway, I don't even know if he'd want to come."

"Of course he will. He'd do anything you asked him to, and it'll be fun. Come on, Buck, Josh and Albert have already said they're going to be there."

"Josh and Albert are coming? Is there even going to be _room_ for me and Eddie?"

"Of course there will be. We can just move some stuff around, it'll be fine." 

Buck sighs.

"Alright, alright, I'll _ask_ Eddie if he wants to come and then I'll get back to you."

"See you at 8!" She says brightly. Buck rolls his eyes.

"I'm rolling my eyes and hanging up now, Mads," he informs her, and then does so to the sound of her laughter.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I just want to say thank you for all of the comments; it's difficult for me to reply, but I read all of them and every one makes my day. :)
> 
> Second, I try to keep my spelling and turns of phrase American when writing for 911, but I'm pretty sure I've missed quite a bit this chapter and honestly, I'm not very well right now and can't be bothered combing through anymore, so I apologise if any non-Americanisms jump out at you. 

"Oh, hey, so, I've been told we're both going to Maddie's for Poker night tomorrow," Buck says, watching Eddie put the shopping away while Chris plays in the living room. "I told Maddie I'd ask you but, you know, she's already made up her mind that we're going to be there."

"Oh yeah?" Eddie smiles, looking pleased. "Well, if it'll save you from your sister's wrath, I guess we could go."

"Please, I can take her," Buck scoffs. Eddie just raises his eyebrows. "...okay, so, I mean, I _could_ but I'm a better man than that."

"Uh-huh. Chimney gonna be there too?"

"Yup. Josh and Albert too, apparently. Maddie assures me there's going to be enough room for everyone."

"Sounds good. Chris'll be disappointed that we're not doing pizza and video games, but I'm sure Abuela won't mind spoiling him rotten to take his mind off it."

Buck grimaces.

"Yeah, I don't want to cancel either, but I can't really say no to every invitation we get anywhere."

"Hey, no, it's fine. There needs to be a bit of planning for poker with your sister, pizza night with Chris is always gonna be there." Warmth curls around his chest and he ducks his head, trying in vain to hide the smile he can't keep off his face. God, he hopes he gets to keep that much, after Eddie realises he doesn't want the rest of it.

"Does this mean we can have pizza tonight instead?" he teases, trying to take attention away from his lovesick grin and red cheeks. Eddie snorts.

"You're worse than Chris. No, we can't have pizza tonight, but I'll let you cook instead of me." He grins at Buck like he's doing him a favor; which, considering Eddie's questionable cooking skills, he kind of is.

"Oh, fine, you workshy loser. But you are _definitely_ making it up to me when we've gotten Chris to bed."

"Deal," Eddie says with a heated smirk, and even though Eddie has managed to get out of doing anything, Buck still feels like he's won.

\---

Buck already knew that Maddy, Chimney, and Eddie were better at poker than him. He's not surprised that Albert's guileless "unfamiliarity" with the game doesn't stop him doing really well. But Josh was meant to be just as bad as Buck and should _not_ be grinning at him across the table, winning hand fanned out in front of him.

"Sorry, Buck," he says with a not at all apologetic shrug. "I have to beat out _someone_."

"Why is it _always_ poker," Buck whines, sulking down into his chair and shoving his shitty should-have-won cards away from him. "Why couldn't we play Monopoly? I'm fucking _great_ at Monopoly."

"No you're not," Maddie and Eddie say in unison with identical amused tones.

"You get bored of it before _Chris_ does, Buck," Eddie follows after sharing a knowing glance with Maddie, fond smile curling the corners of his mouth.

"Well, okay, yeah, because it's a boring game, but I'm always _winning_ by the time I get bored," Buck huffs to the obvious amusement of everyone at the table.

"We could play something else next time," Albert offers cheerfully. "Maybe you'll have better luck at, ah, a different card game?"

"Yeah, next time we should play Go Fish. I'd be kicking your asses at that," Buck grumbles. "Don't you laugh, Eddie, I _always_ kick your ass at Go Fish."

"Welp, when you're organizing, Buck, we can play what you want, but for tonight," Chimney thumps the cards he's been shuffling onto the table, "we're playing Poker and taking your money."

"If it's any consolation, I'm sure I won't still be holding onto these winnings by the end of the night," Josh says with a grin.

"Oh, Josh, by the way," Maddie says, in a breezy tone that says she's been waiting all night to bring this up, "I know we had plans to go see a movie on Friday, but I completely forgot that I'd already made plans with Chim. Sorry! But if you've already carved out some space in your busy schedule, I think it's Buck's day off - I'm sure he'd like to go with you!" She smiles brightly at Buck, who has never wanted to wring his sister's neck so badly. He shares an awkward look with Josh and clears his throat.

"Um, yeah, I- I'm always up for a movie," he manages.

"I wouldn't want to put you out," Josh fumbles, face almost as red as Buck is sure his own is, and he finds himself shaking his head. The poor dude looks like he wants to crawl under the table, but it's not as if Buck thinks it would be a shitty time - they've only ever hung out with Maddie there as a buffer, but they text now and again, and Buck has always enjoyed his company. The least he owes Josh for his sister's meddling is a movie and popcorn on him.

"No, you wouldn't be, it- it sounds good, if you're up for it. You know, get out of the house."

"Well, if you're sure," Josh mumbles, ducking his head.

"Yeah, of course. I'll, uh, text you for details?" Josh nods his assent, gaze still fixed firmly on the table - for the foreseeable future, from what Buck knows of him.

"Well, now that that's taken care of," Chimney says loudly, cutting through the awkward tension, "we've got a game to play."

Predictably, things continue in that vein; other people win and Buck loses his money.

On the whole, Buck has a good time despite doing appallingly, except that Eddie has gotten into a mood; he's not quite being rude, and you could mistake his stony face for concentration and a desire to win, but Buck knows him, and he knows it's more than that. Even a desperate to win, deep in concentration Eddie would be joining in the good-natured teasing about Buck's appalling poker skills - hell, even Josh has gotten over his embarrassment and joined back in with the gentle ribbing. He doesn't think most of them have noticed, but Chimney makes eye contact with him across the table, quirks an eyebrow, and all Buck can do is shrug, at a loss as to what's soured Eddie's mood.

Whatever the reason, there's no denying that he's fucking good at poker. He might not be the best at bringing up the mood, but everyone else keeps up a steady patter of conversation and there's a tidy mound of chips piled up in front of him by the time the night starts coming to an end - comparable only to the pile in front of an increasingly smug Albert, the little shark.

"Alright, as fun as this has been, I think I'm done having my money taken by my little brother and my coworker," Chimney says eventually, side-eyeing a beaming Albert.

"Thank you for inviting me and teaching me how to play, Howie," Albert says in response, patting the chips in front of him with satisfaction. "I think I like this game."

"I bet you do," Chimney mutters under his breath and pushing out his chair. "Come on, Mr. Moneybags, you can come help clean up in the kitchen before I take you home."

"I'll come supervise," Maddie volunteers quickly, standing up as well and smoothing down her dress. "Would you and Buck mind clearing off the table, Josh?"

"Sure," he says, but Buck scowls.

"What, your best brother has to clean up and Eddie doesn't get a chore?"

"His chore is driving you home," she shoots back, earning an amused snort from Eddie - something that's been in short supply tonight, so he can't manage to get any real anger into the glare he shoots Eddie's way.

"Don't worry, I'll help. Just gotta go to the bathroom first." He smacks Buck on the back and disappears down the hallway, leaving Buck and Josh alone with a mess strewn table.

"He's a bit too good at this, isn't he?" Josh says, nodding at the chips piled in front of Eddie's chair and making a face. "I thought he was gonna kill me with just his eyes, before." Buck laughs.

"Yeah, he's really focused on winning tonight. He's not usually so, uh, intense, I promise."

"Well, he sure knows how to make a guy feel special, then," Josh says sarcastically, drawing a snort of laughter from Buck.

_He is, is the thing_ , he thinks, but he's not so far gone on sappy adoration that he'll let that come out of his mouth.

"Only when there's money involved," he says instead with a grin that widens without his input when he spots Eddie walking back into the room.

In contrast, Eddie's eyes flick between Buck and Josh and his mouth pulls down in a little grimace. When he gets back to his seat, he doesn't sit back down, opting instead at lean against the table next to Buck with a hand squeezing Buck's shoulder.

"Are we cleaning or talking?" He asks pointedly.

By the time they're done Chimney and Albert have said their goodbyes and left. Eddie barely bothers nodding his head in Josh's direction when they go to leave themselves, wandering over to give Maddie a much more genuine goodbye and leaving Buck to grimace in apology for Eddie's appalling manners.

"Sorry," he says guiltily, "I don't know what's got him so pissed off tonight."

"It's fine," Josh says, thankfully looking more bemused than offended. "We all have off days."

"Some people more than most," Buck grumbles. "Look, I had a good time, though, and I'll text you about the movies tomorrow, okay?"

"Sounds good," Josh agrees, cheeks flushing a pink that quickly goes red when Buck pulls him into a hug goodbye.

"See you then!" He says, grinning to himself when Josh just manages to half-wave and mumble something that could be construed as a farewell.

"Bye, Mads, thanks for tonight, it was great - even though you didn't stop a single person from bullying me all night."

"Bye!" Maddy pulls him in for a hug, completely ignoring the bullying comment. Which, rude. "Let me know how Friday goes," she says quietly into his ear, shooting him a bright grin when he pulls away and gives her an unimpressed look. "Drive safe!"

"Love you, Mads," Buck says, laying on as many layers of sibling disapproval as he can muster.

"Love you!" she calls after him as he races to catch up with Eddie, who hadn't bothered to wait for him and is almost to his truck.

"Hey, careful," he says, managing to swing himself into the seat next to Eddie just before he turns the ignition. "I can't teleport, you know, I do kind of need a ride back."

"Good thing you got here before I left, then," Eddie says, the bland disinterest in his voice hitting like a kick in the gut and making Buck feel like wilting right through the seat he's sitting in. He _knows_ it's not personal, knows that the tone of someone's voice for one sentence shouldn't deflate the high of an entire good night, but, well. He always _knows_ that, but knowing it and feeling it are two very different things.

Nevertheless, he does his best to power through the ensuing quiet as Eddie concentrates on the roads and doesn't see fit to say anything else. Of course, his inability to deal with silence - especially vaguely disapproving silence - is one of his biggest and most annoying features, so he doesn't manage to bite back his concern for long.

"Hey, Eddie, are you, um, are you okay?"

"Fine," he says shortly.

"Are you sure? You seemed... I don't know, like you weren't into it. Do you not like Josh or something?" Eddie shrugs, face stubbornly closed off.

"He's fine."

Buck sighs.

"Look, I don't- I'm sorry if you didn't enjoy it."

Eddie grunts and flexes his fingers on the steering wheel.

"It was fine," he mutters, then lets out a frustrated sigh. "Look, Buck, it's- I don't get-" He pauses again. "I'm just more tired than I thought I was," he comes out with finally. A lie, clearly - Eddie's not as good a liar as he thinks he is - but pushing is only going to haul those walls up around him faster, so Buck just nods and lets silence drape itself back around them.

They get back to Buck's place and Eddie follows him out of the truck, distracted and not fully there, but at least not driving off to leave Buck alone worrying about what went wrong. He lets them into his apartment and barely manages to close the door before Eddie is on him, spinning him around and pressing him firmly against the door, mouth on his and tongue pressing insistently against his lips. Buck lets him in with a startled groan, wrapping his arms around Eddie's neck while Eddie's fingers dig into his hips. _Oh._

"If you wanted to get away to do _this_ you should've just said," he laughs, mood shooting up, rolling his head back so Eddie has space to continue mauling his neck. "I would've made an excuse for us to leave early." Eddie just grunts, digging his teeth into the flesh where Buck's neck meets his shoulder - and that's a change, he's never left _marks_ before, but there's definitely going to be one now and he's surprised at how heat pools in his gut at the idea - and then leans back just enough to grab Buck's shirt and wrench it over his head with Buck's eager cooperation.

He returns to Buck's mouth, biting at his bottom lip while he works Buck's jeans open, and Buck sucks desperately on Eddie's tongue to disguise his whimper when Eddie's hand slides into his boxers and his fingers wrap tight around his dick. It's rough and dry and Eddie's calloused fingers drag almost uncomfortably against his sensitive skin when he pumps him once, twice, but it's more than enough to send sparks of pleasure up his spine and get his dick paying attention.

"Fuck," he gasps, pressing eagerly against Eddie when he shoves Buck's jeans and boxers down to his thighs and gets his hands on Buck's ass, hauling him forward to grind them together. He captures Eddie's mouth again and lets his hands roam the taut muscles of his back, grunting in frustration when he instinctively goes to hook a leg around Eddie's waist and is stymied in his efforts by the jeans wrapped around his legs.

He wants to be rid of his pants but doesn't want to stop touching Eddie, so he slides his hands up Eddie's shirt to paw at his back and makes a useless but valiant attempt to just wriggle his clothes off, succeeding only in grinding his cock uncomfortably against Eddie's zipper and the rough fabric of his jeans.

"Fucks sake," Eddie mutters after a second. "Fuckin'- hold still." He takes a half step back and uses the space to push Buck's clothes down his legs far enough that his wiggling actually has some effect, and Buck takes the opportunity to tug at Eddie's shirt until Eddie relents and lets it be pulled up over his head.

"So are- are we doing this up against the door?" Buck asks breathlessly as Eddie resumes sucking a mark on his jaw. "Not that- not that I have a problem with that, just- just I would really like you to fuck me and I, uh, I don't usually keep the stuff for that right next to the door."

Eddie pauses, breathing hot against Buck's skin, and then leans back and steps away - which is kind of a requirement of not grinding to completion against the door, but is also a necessary sacrifice he really would rather not make.

"Bed," he orders, eyes dark, and normally Buck isn't much one for the whole caveman thing, but when a shirtless Eddie Diaz orders you to your bed, you go to your fucking bed.

"Yessir," he quips, kicking his feet free of their confines and earning himself a swat on the ass for his trouble as he passes Eddie on his way to the stairs. He'll do what Eddie says, but keeping his mouth shut while he's doing it is just too much to ask. Eddie can consider himself lucky that Buck didn't throw in a mocking salute, and he follows barely a step behind Buck up the stairs, so clearly Buck's mouthing off didn't hurt his chances of getting pounded into the mattress tonight. He wishes he could say that had never happened, but suffice it to say it's a good thing that Eddie is used to his runaway mouth.

He turns when he reaches the foot of his bed, hoping to steal a kiss, but Eddie only lets Buck bite at his bottom lip before nudging him back so that his legs hit the bed. It's a nudge, not a shove, so he doesn't get knocked back onto the bed, but this is a situation where Buck is definitely capable of taking a hint, so he lets himself fall anyway, bouncing on his duvet and then pushing himself up the mattress enough that his legs aren't hanging off the edge.

"What do you want?" Eddie asks him, standing tall at the foot of the bed with his fingers toying with the button of his jeans, and he sounds - he sounds angry, almost, eyes burning into him with an intensity he doesn't often show so openly.

"You," Buck gasps, hiding the enormity of reality in the truth. He thinks, for a confusing second, that it's the wrong answer - Eddie's jaw goes tight, frustration flashing over his face, but then his zipper is sliding down and he's so hard he's already leaking, the fabric of his briefs damp and clinging to his cockhead in a way that makes Buck's mouth water. " _Eddie,_ " he whines when Eddie doesn't immediately make any move to get closer, squeezing his length and raking his gaze down Buck's exposed body instead.

"Get the lube," Eddie says finally, after one more long, painful second, and Buck throws himself across the bed to dig through his bedside drawer. He belatedly regrets missing the chance to watching Eddie reveal those thighs but he's unable to be too upset about it when strong hands on his hips haul him closer to the center of the bed and roll him onto his back as soon as he pulls the supplies triumphantly from the drawer.

He spreads his legs automatically for Eddie to press himself in between them, both of them moaning against each other’s mouths when they finally press together skin on skin. He goes to shove his free hand down between them, to get his hands around them both, but Eddie's hand catches his wrist and pulls it up and over his head, pinning his hand to the mattress. Buck groans in protest and half-heartedly tries to tug his hand away, but Eddie squeezes his wrist in warning and when he lets go to push up onto his knees, Buck finds himself keeping it there.

"Good boy," Eddie rasps, pulling the lube from Buck's lax grasp, and Buck should be ashamed at the shudder that sends though him but all he manages to do is watch with undisguised hunger as Eddie clicks the bottle open and coats his fingers. He raises his other hand to meet the first, twisting his fingers together to resist the temptation to touch, and drinks in the approving look almost more than the slick press of fingers against his entrance.

Eddie is impatient tonight, essentially skipping stretching Buck open in favor of jumping straight to fucking him with his fingers, adding a finger and then another just the right side of too fast so that the sting lights him up and sparks through the pleasure coiling in his gut.

" _Eddie_ ," he snaps when those glorious fingers are taken away from him, glaring up at the smug smirk on Eddie's face.

"Patience," he says, producing the condom that Buck had admittedly completely forgotten about and looking like abject sin tearing the packet open with his teeth, other hand stroking himself lazily.

" _No,_ " Buck growls petulantly, rolling his hips up in an ineffectual attempt to get Eddie to move faster, although the fact that his hands are still clasped tight over his head makes the display of bravado fall slightly flat. Eddie just shakes his head, pinning Buck's hips to the bed and leaning himself over Buck to press a filthy kiss to his mouth.

"Ready for me?" He murmurs, voice husky in Buck's ear, and Buck almost breaks his own neck with the force of his nods. He finally breaks his grasp on his own hands and wraps his arms around Eddie's neck, digging his nails into Eddie's broad shoulders.

"Eddie, _please_ ," he begs, not bothering to try and muffle his noises when Eddie finally presses in and stretches him deliciously open. Eddie gives him about as much time to adjust as he did when initially stretching him, which is to say just enough for Buck to feel everything before he gets relentless, snapping his hips into him with a single-mindedness that Buck would envy if he had the brainpower left for anything other than clinging tight and meeting his movements.

He does have enough of a vague awareness to feel briefly bad for his neighbors; he _knows_ he's not being quiet, can't keep his noises of appreciation in and honestly wouldn't even if he could, not with the way Eddie takes him apart so well. He feels so _small_ like this, in the best possible way, despite being taller and broader than the man on top of him - Eddie has him boxed in, pinned down, strong hands tilting Buck's hips the way he wants them and muscles in his back flexing as he holds himself up over him, sucking and biting marks onto Buck's chest and up and down his neck. There's something heady about knowing that, if he really wanted to, Eddie could probably _keep_ Buck down - it's not a feeling Buck is very used to, but it's one he likes more than he probably should.

Eddie is a lot quieter than Buck, but he keeps his own running commentary, growling unintelligible words into Buck's skin that Buck is sure must be utter filth, the way it falls so rough from his tongue.

" _Eddie_ ," Buck chokes out, startled at the way his pleasure suddenly overflows, and he barely even needs Eddie reaching between them to go taut and shudder through his release. He swears he's a hairsbreadth from blacking out, but he's cognizant enough to appreciate the way Eddie buries himself deep and comes with a low moan.

Eddie slumps down and rests his full weight on Buck for a few seconds, panting into the crook of his neck, then pulls out and rolls over onto his side, presumably dealing with the condom before slumping back onto the bed.

They've been in situations like this a lot of times, now, but tonight it isn't how it's meant to be; isn't how it usually is. Eddie's stretched out against his side, slick skin hot against him as they both catch their breath, but there's still tension in his muscles, a distance between them that usually isn't there. He doesn't know why, but he does know that he wants it to stop, so he strokes a hand down Eddie's ribs, curling in closer to start pressing lazy kisses against his shoulder.

In all honesty, he doesn't know exactly what he's doing - signaling to Eddie that he's there for whatever he wants, maybe, that if Eddie wants to roll him back over and get out the rest of his frustration he'll go gladly. Baring himself too obviously, more likely, trying to soothe away the tension with affection for its own sake.

"We've still got a backlog on Netflix, if you want to stay," he says quietly against Eddie's back when the tension eases but doesn't disappear, hoping to lure him into staying long enough for Buck to figure out how to set things right.

"You've got horrible taste in shows," Eddie sighs, and just like that everything slots back together with an almost audible click as Eddie relaxes back into his embrace. He doesn't know exactly what he'd done wrong or what he's managed to do right, but he takes it eagerly anyway, nuzzling into the soft hair at the nape of Eddie's neck.

"You're the one who always wants to watch fucking house shows and shit," he grumbles. "But fine, you can choose. Whatever boring thing you decide on will probably help me sleep, anyway." Eddie snorts, but his hand has drifted down to wrap around Buck's wrist, thumb rubbing gentle against his pulse point, and Buck is pretty sure he's forgiven. Forgiven for what, he's still not sure, but forgiven all the same.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this chapter took a while. Things have been very stressful recently, and it turns out that laptops, coffee, and excited, rambunctious dogs aren't a great combination, so this chapter has been rewritten more than once. The next two chapters are already mostly written, though, and properly backed up this time, so it shouldn't be nearly as long a wait until the next chapter; and again, thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to comment or leave kudos.

The next day is... frustrating. On the whole, Eddie seems content to be there, having a usual lazy day with just the two of them - gracing Buck with one of his fondest smiles over breakfast; taking so long in the shower together they have goosebumps when they wash themselves clean for the second time; throwing bits of tomato at Buck during lunch because everyone thinks Buck is the child in their friendship, but Eddie just hides it better. But then there are moments where his smile turns brittle and sharp and his shoulders rise and go tense like he's protecting himself, and Buck is no stranger to feeling stupid, but knowing Eddie is one of the only things he has going for him and he just _can't figure out_ why it keeps happening.

Especially because it gets worse when they pick Chris up from Eddie's abuela's and head over to the Diaz house - Eddie can be a moody person, but he's a fucking great dad and he adores Chris, and Buck has never known him to get _moodier_ with his son around. Well, _had_ never, because once they get back to the Diaz house with Chris in tow, his mood seesaws even more than it had been. 

Which isn't to say he's moody _with Chris_ \- he looks just as pleased to scoop him into his arms as he always does, listens to his chatter with the usual fondness, and even rolls his eyes good-naturedly when Buck and Chris gang up on him over his lack of drawing skills (admittedly, his crayon scribbles aren't actually any worse than Chris's, but he's a grown man who should be better at drawing than a child, so Buck doesn't feel bad about it.) But then Buck will glance over at him and Eddie will look stuck in his head, brow furrowed as his eyes burn holes in the floor, or he'll catch Eddie staring at him with a look on his face that Buck can't quite interpret but sends his heart racing in a bad way, or he'll seem to be about to reach out and- Buck's not sure what, exactly, because he always catches himself and turns away with a twist to his mouth. He seems on edge, restless, but when Buck bumps their shoulders together and asks if he's okay, he insists that he's fine.

Buck spends the day feeling a little bit lost and off-kilter, even with the best kid in the world there to entertain him and compliment his cooking, and he can't help wondering if maybe this is it; maybe Eddie is starting to realize that he doesn't have to settle for Buck, that he could have basically anyone he wanted, that he doesn't have to resign himself to what little Buck has to offer. Maybe he's trying to figure out how to let Buck down gently, how to get himself out of this thing they've started without ruining their friendship. But if he is, he apparently wasn't intending to do so today, because when, after they put Chris to bed, Buck cautiously mentions heading home, Eddie looks startled and a little bit horrified.

"I thought you were staying here tonight," he blurts, quick and unguarded enough that Buck can hear the hurt behind his words, and great, now Buck feels like an idiot _and_ an asshole.

"I was," he fumbles, "I just- I, uh, I. wasn't sure if you wanted me to?" 

"Of course I want you to," Eddie says, looking at Buck like _he's_ the one being confusing. 

"Okay, then," he says, feeling tongue-tied and stupid but undeniably relieved. "You still have to do the dishes, though, I _did_ cook."

"Fine," Eddie replies, rolling his eyes and then ruining the casual mood Buck was trying for with, "as long as you stay." He heads into the kitchen, pausing on the way to press a quick, chaste kiss to Buck's lips and then continuing on as if he hasn't just sent Buck's head spinning with that casual, soft affection. 

Eddie Diaz is going to be the fucking death of him.

\----

They wind up lazing around on the couch when Eddie is done in the kitchen, Buck messing around on his phone to the background noise of what Eddie is watching on the TV. It's some sort of cooking show. Not one Buck has been keeping up with, but it's one Eddie has strong opinions on, if the steady stream of derisive commentary is anything to go by. Eddie really has a lot of gall having such strong opinions on other people's cooking, considering the man could burn water, but as long as he keeps the back-seat cooking to TV show competitors and not Buck, he'll file that under "endearing" rather than "infuriating".

Buck, on the other hand, isn't nearly as engrossed in the cooking missteps currently being made - "slow cooked beef in sixty minutes," Eddie mutters in disgust, "what are they _thinking_ " - so he figures he might as well finalize his plans with Josh.

 _'Hey. U still free to catch that movie tmrw?'_ he types out, sending it to Josh and then, after a few seconds pause, sending along a few smiling emojis as well. He watches Eddie watch the TV while he waits for a reply, idly tapping his phone against his knee and enjoying the warmth that comes from the easy domesticity.

 _'yeah, ofc. meet u near the cinema at 3:30?'_ is what he sees when his phone buzzes in his hand. He'll miss picking Chris up from school at that time, which gives him more pause than it should, but seeing the movie early means he'll probably be home in time before the bed-time routine, so he replies in the affirmative and makes sure they're thinking of the same place. 

"I'll be heading out about three tomorrow," he says in the ad break when Eddie isn't distracted.

"Hmm?"

"To see that movie with Josh," he clarifies, then bounces his knee a few times and hums thoughtfully. "Although, I don't actually really know what movies are even out right now. I hope Josh knows what he wants to see." He gets a noncommittal grunt in response, the culmination of Eddie's show coming back on and stealing his attention - at least, Buck thinks it's the culmination. There are scores being announced, anyway, and judging by the way Eddie's shoulders have gone tense and his lips are pressed thin, they're scores he doesn't agree with.

He lets Eddie watch and starts looking at the cinema's website to see what movies are on, and when Eddie's show ends he starts reading through the listings out-loud, not really because he expects any input from Eddie but because because his mind just works better that way. Eddie ends up switching the TV off after a few minutes, choosing instead to go through his own phone and let Buck list to the side and lean on his shoulder.

"-oh, no, this one's a romance, like, a _sad_ romance, I think, I can't watch that in a theater, I will _definitely_ cry. Like, a _lot_. I would prefer not to make Josh embarrassed to be seen in public with-"

"Leave it," Eddie cuts in abruptly, plucking Buck's phone out of his hand and tossing it behind himself on the couch. "You can figure it out tomorrow."

"I _know_ that, I just wanted to-" he's cut off again, but this time he minds a lot less, Eddie's mouth against his soothing the annoyance. "Oh," he mumbles when Eddie leans back and gives him a meaningful look. "Yeah, it can wait. Uh, bed?" 

"Bed," Eddie agrees, lips curled into a smug smirk, pushing up off the couch and offering a hand to pull Buck up with him. Buck steals another kiss when he's upright, because he wants to and he can. He tries to push his luck and get another one but Eddie steps away, rolling his eyes in response to Buck's pout and leading him out of the living room and into Eddie's bedroom.

He throws himself onto the bed while Eddie flicks the light off - which, not normally what they go for, but hey, Buck's about to get laid, he's not about to complain about the lighting situation. Especially when Eddie is sliding onto the bed next to him and tilting his head over to kiss him deep, an arm coming up around his shoulders and pulling him close. They make out lazily, Eddie's thumb rubbing absently against Buck's jaw while Buck lets his hands roam, sliding them immediately up Eddie's shirt and running his hands up Eddie's back to dig his fingers into those broad shoulders. He loses himself in Eddie's mouth, in the scorching heat of his skin, thinks he'd be perfectly happy tangled up like this forever, but before long Eddie grabs Buck by the hips and rolls onto his back, pulling Buck with him so that Buck ends up straddling him, steadying himself on his forearms. 

"Oh, I'm on top tonight, am I?" Buck asks, grinning. He's definitely not complaining - although he is a little bit insulted now that Eddie decided the light should be off, because he has it on good authority he looks pretty fucking great riding someone.

"If you want to be," Eddie says, voice gravel rough, avoiding Buck's eyes as if it was an embarrassing thing to want. As if there's anything Buck wouldn't do for him without question.

"I guess I could do most of the work for once," he says playfully, dipping his head to kiss Eddie quick and teasing, nipping at his bottom lip before rearing back and making a show of peeling off his shirt. He preens unashamedly at the hungry gaze Eddie drags down his chest, rocking his hips back so he's settled firmly on Eddie's lap, the hard line of his dick gratifyingly obvious. "Shirt off," he prompts, waiting until Eddie obliges before wiggling out of his sweats and briefs at the same time. He takes a moment to give himself a few indulgent pumps before settling in between Eddie's legs, selflessly and helpfully aiding Eddie in ridding himself of his clothes, taking the opportunity to get his mouth and tongue on Eddie's muscled thigh while he's there.

" _Buck_ ," Eddie groans when Buck laves his tongue up Eddie's cock, twisting his fingers in Buck's hair and tugging gently. "Stop that, get up here." Buck obliges, but not before getting one more taste, dragging his tongue across the sensitive head and enjoying the resultant hiss and sharp tug on his hair. He takes his time, kisses his way lazily along the sharp V of Eddie's hip and then up his stomach, dips his tongue into Eddie's navel to make him huff and squirm, rubs his face against the soft hair on his chest before he finally lets Eddie pull him the rest of the way up and capture his mouth. 

"Tease," he grumbles, biting reprovingly at Buck's bottom lip. "Stuff's in the usual drawer," he says, then doesn't actually let Buck up to get it until he's kissed him thoroughly senseless, tongue hot and demanding.

"You want to get me ready or should I?" Buck asks after he climbs back onto Eddie's lap, shaking the little bottle from side to side.

"You," Eddie rasps. "But- not you. Me."

"Me but not me?" Buck asks, quirking an eyebrow and smiling. "Don't quite know what that means, Eddie." Eddie lets out a sharp puff of breath through his nose, throat working for a moment before he manages to get the words out.

"I mean... I want you to do it. But not to get you ready. To- to, uh. To get _me_ ready."

Oh.

 _Oh_.

"Are you sure?" he asks, smoothing a reverent hand down Eddie's thigh.

"If you want to," Eddie mutters, alternating between seeking intense eye contact and completely avoiding Buck's gaze as soon as he gets it, face flushed with more than just arousal.

"Obviously _I_ want to," Buck says, because- _obviously_. He's pretty sure even straight men would be tempted by that ass. He tries to swallow down his eagerness, though, tries to find the appropriate middle between making sure Eddie knows just how much Buck wants him and making sure Eddie doesn't think he would want it at the expense of Eddie's comfort. "But do you? I'm not- you don't have to just because I want to, Eddie, or just because I do it. I- I mean, you know, I only want it if, if _you_ want it." There's a second where Buck thinks Eddie is going to bow out, his jaw working as he looks up and takes a deep breath. But he shakes his head and meets Buck's gaze head on, looking nervous but sure.

"I want it, Buck. Please." 

"Okay," Buck breathes, reminding himself that he knows how to do this. He's _good_ at this, and he can absolutely make it as good for Eddie as it should be. "But if- if you want to stop, or take a break, or go slower, or _anything_ , we do it, okay?"

"Obviously," Eddie says, and he thinks it's meant to come out deadpan but it comes out honey-sweet instead, soft and genuine, and the way Eddie is looking at him with the utmost trust makes him seriously worried that his heart is going to give out under all of the emotions his chest is swelling with. He can't help but kiss him again, drinking in the softness of his lips and the tight grip Eddie has on his hips.

"Okay, uh, have- have you done this before?" Eddie shakes his head. "Not even by yourself? Experimented with your fingers?"

"No," Eddie says quietly, licking his lips. "I mean- not really. Not... properly."

"We'll go slow, then," Buck promises, sliding off of Eddie and situating himself between his legs rather than astride them. Eddie stretches, raising one knee so his foot is flat on the bed and he's spread open in front of him. 

"Don't want slow," he objects, watching Buck's face with dark, lust-blown eyes. "Want you."

"You have me," Buck assures him, and he's never meant anything more. "You'll get me. Just slowly. Trust me, rushing will _not_ be a good experience." Eddie sighs impatiently but doesn't protest, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth and chewing on it while he watches Buck flick the cap open and get his fingers slick. "Ready?" he asks, rubbing one digit gently back and forth along his crack, matting dark hair to his skin with a probable over-abundance of lube and putting pressure on his rim every time he slides across it - not enough to penetrate, but enough for Eddie to feel it, enough for his finger to just start dipping in. 

"I've _been_ ready, Buck," he says, trying to rock down onto Buck's finger, and Buck acquiesces, sinking his finger into Eddie's heat. He takes it easily, stretching pliant around him while he rocks his finger in and out, but he lets out a soft, pained noise when Buck finishes feeding a second finger into him, muscles going tight.

"Relax," Buck murmurs against Eddie's skin.

"I _am_ ," Eddie snaps, clenching around Buck's fingers in a surefire demonstration that he's not. Buck smiles and presses a fond kiss to Eddie's shoulder. 

"This is meant to feel _good_ , Eddie. You don't need to, you know, power through it. Let me take care of you, okay?" Eddie grunts unhappily - not a noise Buck is particularly used to during sex, if he's honest, but after a second he does take a deep breath and relax a bit, and the fact that it's _Buck_ who he trusts enough to feel so vulnerable around makes his heart flutter stupidly in his chest. "Yeah, that's it," he says, pitching his voice low and kissing the soft skin behind Eddie's ear. "Let me make you feel good." Eddie hums, twisting his head and pulling at Buck's hair to press their mouths together messily, hot breath puffing against Buck's cheek as he sucks on Buck's tongue.

Buck has negative complaints about Eddie distracting himself with his mouth, and his world narrows to the heat of Eddie around his fingers and against his chest and mouth, the soft noises that Eddie's breath hitches on, the sharp point of Eddie's canines on his tongue and his lips and his jaw, and it could be hours or it could be minutes but eventually Eddie is wet and open and gasping that _he's ready, he's ready, Buck, please,_ and Eddie has to deal with the condom because Buck's hands are uselessly slippery but finally Buck is pressing into Eddie with a choked, drawn out moan mirrored by the man stretched out under him.

"You alright?" Buck asks when his hips are finally pressed against Eddie, voice wobbly with the effort of holding still. Eddie responds with a sharp roll of his hips, grinding down onto Buck with a gasp.

" _Fuck me_ ," he demands, and there's nothing Buck can do other than oblige, gripping Eddie's hips and doing everything he can to make Eddie hiss and gasp and bite back moans of pleasure, losing himself until he can feel his orgasm start creeping up on him.

He's close, oh god he's so fucking close but he really, really, _really_ needs to make sure this is as good as he can for Eddie, so he musters up all of his willpower and shoves his hand down between them, stripping Eddie's cock rough and quick the way he likes while he tries his best to stave off his own orgasm. Eddie moans, broken and deep, head tossed back and baring the long lines of his neck, and he knows they don't usually leave marks but Buck can't resist dipping down and sinking his teeth in.

" _Buck--_ "

Eddie makes a choked off noise and arches his back, thighs squeezing tight around Buck's hips as he releases across his stomach.

"Oh, thank god," Buck gasps against Eddie's spit-wet skin, fucking in deep and letting himself go, burying his face in Eddie's neck and panting wetly against him with Eddie's breathless laugh rushing hot against his ear. He lets himself slump down onto Eddie, catching his breath and feeling the pounding of his heart slowly ease.

"Buck," Eddie mumbles after a second, nudging at Buck's leg with his knee. "Can you--"

"Sorry, sorry, yeah," he mutters, carefully pulling out and fumbling with the condom without lifting his head. "You good?" he asks, rubbing his thumb against Eddie's hip and nosing against his jaw, blindly discarding the tied-off condom somewhere next to him to be dealt with later.

"Mmm." Eddie's answering hum is deep and satisfied and genuine, and the small part of him that worried that Eddie had been powering through an unpleasant experience - because he thought he owed it to Buck, because he thought it was something he needed to try, because he thought he wanted it but didn't think he was allowed to stop when it turned out he didn't, he doesn't know and he was scared to find out - relaxes and he lets himself enjoy Eddie's warmth. 

He's indulges himself, presses soft little kisses up Eddie's neck and along his jaw, biting at Eddie's earlobe and grinning into the kiss when Eddie turns his head to meet him, a fond edge to the satiated curve of his mouth.

"We should probably get cleaned up," he breathes.

"Probably," Eddie agrees before kissing him again, a hand coming up around Buck's shoulders to play gently with his hair. 

"Soon," Buck says.

"Soon," Eddie agrees, and if soon turns into lazy kisses until they doze off and wake up in dire need of a shower, it doesn't look like either of them are complaining. 

\---- 

He's made a mistake. 

He's made a _huge_ fucking mistake, he's managed to read the situation completely wrong, he missed a sign somehow, somewhere along the way, and the worst of it is that even looking back _knowing_ he made a mistake, he can't pinpoint where it was.

Because- because Eddie seemed _fine_ , this morning, when they woke up literally stuck together. Yeah, he made a face when the now-dried messes they made tugged at sensitive hair, and he was walking a little gingerly at first, but... he didn't seem to regret anything. He pulled Buck along with him into the shower and let Buck wash him clean with careful, worshipful hands, and when Buck subtly checked he was feeling good about what they did (okay, so maybe it was less subtle and more blurting the question out in the middle of toweling off) he was treated to one of those smiles where Eddie's eyes are almost lost under the crinkling of his laugh-lines and the apples of his cheeks are out in full force.

"Really good, Buck," Eddie assured him, taking him by the chin and tugging him down for a chaste kiss. And Buck is pretty sure that Eddie wasn't lying - he doesn't see why he would, and Eddie might be good at closing himself off, but he can't fake that smile. He seems good, when they're sitting around the dining table and Chris clicks into the room with a toothy grin, and while they have breakfast, and when Chris insists Buck come along on the school drop-off and they both give him a hug goodbye.

But as the day goes on, he starts getting quieter and more monosyllabic, until it's nearing the time that Eddie has to pick up Christopher and Buck needs to head out to his movie with Josh, and Eddie is slumped on the couch, watching Buck get ready with a frown on his face. There are lots of things that could be on his mind, lots of things that might not even have anything to do with Buck, and he knows it might be self-centered, to think this mood must be about him - but he can't shake the sick feeling at the bottom of his stomach that Eddie might be regretting last night, and the thought of Eddie sitting on that and Buck not knowing is so unconscionable that Buck drops into the seat beside him and fixes him with a firm stare.

"What?" Eddie asks, after a few seconds of futilely trying to ignore him.

"Look, you've been off all day, a-and I _know_ there's something going on, so just- what's your problem lately, man? " Eddie's face shutters just like Buck knew it would and he shakes his head with a muttered 'nothing', but this time Buck is prepared to wait out the silence until Eddie manages to use his damn words. Because with this - he needs to _know_. He needs Eddie to tell him in his own words, not just agree with whatever Buck suggests so he didn't have to voice what's really bothering him. At first Eddie seems determined to pretend this isn't happening, bristling and frowning down at the table, but Buck just stares at him and matches his mulish silence, and Eddie eventually breaks with a frustrated grunt.

"Alright. Alright, I fucking- I don't- I thought we were- Why are you going on a date with him?" he growls finally, jaw tight and brow furrowed, muscles jumping in his jaw

That was... not the response Buck was expecting.

"What? Who? I'm not going on a date with anyone," he responds, baffled. Eddie's nostrils flare and he scowls down at his lap.

"You were _just_ getting ready, Buck, I know your memory isn't _that_ bad," he snaps. Buck stares at him blankly for a few tense seconds where Eddie refuses to meet his eyes, then realizes what Eddie is talking about and can't contain the amused, relieved snort he lets out. It earns him a sharp glare, but he just shakes his head, a bemused smile pulling at his lips.

"I'm not _going on a date_ with Josh, if that's what you mean," he says. "I'm going to go catch a movie with him because my sister was annoying and meddling in my business. _Platonically_ catch a movie. You know, like what friends do?"

"And does he know that?"

"Of course he does."

"You've actually said that to him? That this is just a platonic thing?"

"Well, no, but..." He trails off, heart sinking. He'd assumed it would be obvious that he wasn't looking for anything - he's so clearly too far gone on Eddie to be worth anything as a potential boyfriend, and he's been pretty obviously not looking for a partner for a while now. It hadn't even occurred to him that Josh would be interested, even if Buck had been - he's painfully aware that he's not exactly perfect relationship material, after all. But... well, _he'd_ known he was accepting as a friend, as a consolation day out, but _Maddie_ had definitely been trying to push them into going on a date. It wouldn't be an unreasonable assumption for Josh to make, if he did think a date was what was on the table. "Oh, no," he mutters, shoulders slumping.

"Mmhmm," Eddie hums judgmentally, looking a lot more relaxed all of a sudden.

" _Fuck_ , Eddie, the movie is _today_ , what do I tell him? Do I cancel? Or- or send him a text making sure he knows this is just a friend thing? Wait, no, that- that would probably be a phone conversation, wouldn't it. Unless he'd rather not have to talk to me about it? Maybe he'd _prefer_ a text? Or- or should it be in person?" He knows he's babbling, but he's starting to panic, and when he panics, the brain-to-mouth filter is the first thing that goes.

"Gotta be honest, Buck, I've never accidentally agreed to go on a date with someone I didn't want to go out with. Don't have much advice to give, here." Buck would have thought there was nothing Eddie could do to diminish the abject gorgeousness of that face of his, but the way his expression has settled into an unattractive mixture of smug and satisfied is sorely testing that theory.

"It's not _his fault_ , Eddie," he snaps, anger at his own stupid, characteristic obliviousness bubbling over and splashing onto Eddie. "He didn't do anything to deserve me hurting him."

"I know that," Eddie protests defensively. "Look, hey, I'm sorry, okay? I know you don't want to hurt him, but- it's not like it'll be a surprise to him if this doesn't go anywhere. That's not a dig!" he hastens to add when Buck glares at him disbelievingly. "I'm sure he's... _great_..."- the way Eddie grinds that word out doesn't sound at all convincing, but Buck appreciates the attempt, he guesses -"but... that's how dating works, right? It's not like every first date goes anywhere."

"No," Buck admits grudgingly, "but there's usually an actual _possibility_ of it going somewhere. I don't want to lead him on, Eddie, that- that's not fair."

"Okay, well, just... explain, when you get there, like obviously he knows already but you're just making sure you're on the same page."

"Oh, I'm allowed to go and see him, am I? You're not gonna go all caveman and tie me to your bed?" Eddie ducks his head, ears going red. 

"I never said anything about not letting you go," he grumbles. "I just- I just didn't know why you were."

Buck sighs, deflating.

"Yeah, apparently I didn't do a great job making that clear. This is gonna be a fun conversation."

"Probably not," Eddie acknowledges, "but- look, he knows you're a good guy. It might be an awkward conversation to have but he'll know you didn't mean anything by it." Things with them feel normal enough again that Buck lets himself tip into Eddie's space, burying his face in his shoulder with a self-pitying moan, and Eddie's hand comes up immediately to fit around the back of Buck's neck, squeezing reassuringly. 

"You run into burning buildings for a living," Buck feels as much as hears, Eddie's voice rumbling through his chest, "you can have an uncomfortable conversation with a friend."

"But I don't _want to_ ," Buck whines, muffled by Eddie's shoulder.

"You'll survive, Buck," Eddie says, a smile in his voice. "Promise. It'll probably be easier if you're not late, though."

"Fuck," Buck sighs. This is going to be fun.


	9. Chapter 9

Buck still hasn't managed to get his fluttering nerves under control by the time he gets to his meeting point with Josh and hears his name called out. Looking around, he sees Josh loitering off to the side, a hand raised in greeting.

"Hey!" He grins and jogs the rest of the way over, heart sinking a little bit at how good Josh looks. That is definitely an outfit designed to impress, and Buck's last hopes for an easy "this isn't a date" conversation are evaporating by the second.

"Hey." Josh smiles at him, nervous expression mirroring Buck's own nerves. Great.

"How are you?" he asks, almost going to offer a hand to shake before shoving them both in his pocket and smiling awkwardly. This might not be a real date but fuck, Buck is clearly out of practice.

"Good, yeah, I'm good. Listen, Buck, can we... talk, for a second?"

"Yeah, look, I was actually gonna-" Josh's eyes flash with alarm and he holds up a hand, cutting Buck off.

"Can I, can I just say this first? Before I lose my nerve?" The anxiety twisting in his stomach curls around his throat - he really, _really_ hopes this isn't going to be some kind of heartfelt confession, but even if it is, Josh is barreling into it anyway. "Right. Okay. So. This is probably really, really stupid of me, because, hey, I'm not _blind_ , I know you are, like, _way_ out of my league-"

"Josh-" Buck tries to argue, because that _definitely_ isn't true, but Josh just shakes his head and keeps going.

"No, look, anyway, that's not the point, the point is- I know Maddie meant well with, well, with all of this, and I like you, Buck, I do, I really do, but I can't- with you- _god_ _knows_ I tried to talk myself into it because, I mean-" he breaks off to wave his hands in Buck's direction "- but... You've gotta be honest, right? About what you can and can't deal with and your job, Buck, I just can't... I'm involved in _so much_ doing _my_ job, so many awful things, and when I'm outside of it... I need _normal_. I need to get home to someone who _doesn't_ get it. To someone who _doesn't_ face awful things every day. And I know your job is everything to you, and I would never want you to give that up, I would never ask you to, but I- I can't go to work every day worrying that my next call might mean I send my boyfriend to his death. So this- today, it can't be a date."

"Oh, thank god," Buck blurts out before his brain can get a hold of his mouth. Josh's eyebrows raise almost past his hairline.

"Wow, okay, that's not _exactly_ the reaction I was expecting-"

"Fuck, hey, hey, no, I didn't mean it like that," Buck rushes, raising his hands, face flaming red. "I just meant- I was gonna say, um, kind of the same thing. That I'm- I'm not in a place where I can be with anyone else." _Fuck_. _Fuck fuck fuck._ He should have just sent Josh a text and stayed in bed all day.

"Anyone else?" Josh asks, eyebrows staying where they are and an interested glint in his eyes. "Well, then. Anyone I know?"

"I didn't say that," Buck tries.

"Okay, okay, I get the message. You don't want to talk about him." He eyes Buck expectantly, clearly waiting for Buck to narrow down the options by confirming or denying the pronoun choice, but raises his hands with a smile when Buck just scowls at him. "Okay, sorry, can't blame a guy for trying. I'll stop being nosy, promise. If you still wanted to...?"

"Yeah! Yeah, definitely. Did- was there anything you wanted to watch? I looked through the listings, but I couldn't really make up my mind, I'm not great at choosing- well, at choosing anything, really." He grins bashfully.

"No, I kind of spent too much of my time worrying about this conversation to worry about the movie choice, to be honest." Buck makes a low noise of commiseration and nods.

"Okay, well, let's go see what's on, choose a movie, maybe get something to eat?"

"Sounds good," Josh agrees with a sunny smile. "You can shout me some hideously overpriced popcorn, for breaking my heart." He winks, and Buck snorts in amused disbelief.

"Um, excuse you, _you_ were the one who turned _me_ down first, remember?"

"Fine, fine, we can buy _each other_ hideously overpriced popcorn."

"Alright, deal," Buck agrees with a grin.

\----

Their timing ends up being pretty good, despite the haphazard (read, barely existent) planning. They settle on a fairly generic action movie, one that Buck isn't going to have to pay consistent attention to - kind of a must, if you're going to ask him to sit still and watch the same thing for two or so hours - and afterwards they go grab something to eat. It's nothing fancy or date-worthy - he takes the opportunity to grab some sushi, since that's something Eddie doesn't particularly like and so he hasn't had it in a while - but it's nice, the atmosphere a lot more relaxed after a movie and with them both on the same page. 

He takes advantage of a lull in their conversation to check his phone, turning it on for the first time since going into the cinema, and it buzzes in his hand immediately with texts from Eddie.

_how is it going?_

Then more, one after the other fifteen minutes later: _things went better than you thought they would, I'm assuming_

_have fun_

_unless he kidnapped you in a jealous rage or something. hope you're enjoying a movie and not locked in a car boot_

Buck snorts and shakes his head, tapping out a quick reply before shoving his phone back in his pocket.

_Movie was good. What if I had been kidnapped tho? I bet you wouldn't even have called the police until I wasn't there to cook you dinner_

"Eddie was checking in," he explains at Josh's questioning look. He doesn't love the arch raise of Josh's eyebrow he gets in return and kind of really hates the knowing half-smile, but Josh just nods and doesn't say anything else about it, so at least there's that. And Buck even manages to ignore the subsequent buzzing of his phone until after he and Josh have finished eating and parted ways, so those looks were _definitely_ uncalled for. 

_you're a big boy, you can handle yourself_

_I would have probably checked with Athena if you weren't home by the time it got dark_

His heart doesn't seize in his chest at Eddie calling his house Buck's home. It absolutely does not. That's not even how Eddie meant it, he knows that, but it still- it sounds nice. Sounds right.

_Checking I wasn't kidnapped or tracking me down to make sure I didn't run off and elope w Josh?_

_no comment_

He beams down at his phone like a love-struck teenager.

_dw, I resisted his charms. Leaving now, see you soon_

Sending the text off, he starts the car and tries not to feel too excited about getting back to Eddie's. Spending time with Josh has been genuinely fun, but even the most enjoyable experience will always pale in comparison to the comfort of Eddie's home, and he's pretty impressed with himself for not speeding in his eagerness to get back to Eddie's side.

He doesn't even bother knocking, just lets himself in, kicking his shoes off and immediately heading to the living room where he can hear the TV going, falling onto the couch next to Eddie and pressing in closer when an arm drapes around his shoulder. 

"Have fun?"

"Yeah, after a mortifying conversation, it was great. I could have just not said anything, you know, I got there and the first thing he did was give me a speech about how he thinks I'm great but he doesn't want to date me." Eddie looks over and frowns.

"Really?"

"Oh, don't pull that face," Buck laughs, elbowing him in the side. "I was going to say the same thing if he hadn't done it first." He leans up and presses a kiss to the corner of Eddie's mouth, pulling away when Eddie turns into it. "He wasn't insulting your taste, don't worry," he teases.

"Shut up," Eddie says, rolling his eyes. "I know that. I'm glad you had fun. You don't usually like movies."

"Yeah, well, couldn't really tell you what happened in it," he admits. "It was a good time, though." 

Eddie hums.

"Yeah? We've got the day off on Wednesday, we should go out." 

Buck shrugs.

"I mean, I had a good time with Josh, but you _are_ right, I don't have the best time, sitting through movies. I'd rather watch something here, where I can fuck around on my phone or something when I get bored." Eddie snorts.

"Yeah, I know, but that's not what I meant. I meant go out, have a nice meal at a restaurant that doesn't cater to kids, go out for drinks after, maybe."

"Like... a date, you mean?"

"Well, yeah." Eddie twists around, squeezing Buck's shoulder and making reassuring eye contact. "Look, it doesn't have to look like one to anyone else, we don't have to do the whole fancy restaurant thing if you don't want, I just want to... go out somewhere. Together, just us. My treat?"

That shouldn't be a scary question. Hell, they used to do that all the time, before this whole thing started. Maybe that's exactly what has his throat going tight in terror, though; that's a Buck-and-Eddie-friendship thing to do. If they start doing this, turning them into dates, even if nobody else knows... Eddie will. And it'll change, when this inevitably crumbles through Buck's fingers and he's trying desperately to keep Eddie as a friend - every time they go out, the memory of whatever this is will be there in the background, making things heavy and uncomfortable, and he can already see in his head, the way they'll peter out, and Eddie will stop inviting him places, will start only hanging out with Buck when they're at work. He won't mean to do it, Buck knows he wouldn't - but he will. First to avoid the uncomfortable reminder of what they won't have anymore, then just because once Buck is out of sight, he's out of mind, and there's nothing he can do about it. 

He waits too long, hesitates too obviously, and the warmth of Eddie's palm leaves his skin burnt cold when his hand falls from Buck's shoulder. His throat tightens as Eddie pulls away, shuffling back so he's leaning against the armrest and facing Buck instead of practically laying on him.

"Okay, what are we doing here, Buck?" he sighs. 

"Uh, talking?" he tries, knowing before it comes out of his mouth that it's going to fall flat but not knowing what else to say. Eddie shakes his head, but he doesn't look reproving or even angry - just sad, and tired, and Buck never would have thought he'd _want_ Eddie to be angry at him but he'd take anything over being the reason for that look on his face.

"You know that's not what I mean. I'm not just talking about now. I'm talking about- fuck, Buck, if I'm not... If I'm good for a reliable fuck but not a relationship, please, just _tell_ me?" The plaintive hurt in Eddie's voice burns worse than the anger he thought he'd be getting when they finally reached the end, and he sucks in a shaky breath, squeezing his eyes closed.

_'This isn't how it's meant to go'_ , he thinks miserably, but Eddie is already talking again before Buck can think of anything to say.

"Because I- I'm sick of being so _confused_. Because you- sometimes it feels just like I thought it would, when you're sitting there on the couch in my shirt and giving me shit while I make dinner and then someone, _anyone_ else is there and it's like none of this has even _happened_. You don't want _anyone_ to know, and you never- you've never said anything that makes me think you'll _ever_ want anyone to and look, I get that you're still dealing with people knowing about your sexuality, I don't want to shove you out of the closet. I'm not asking you to tell anyone _now_ but I need _something_ , Buck, I need something to tell me that you want to build this into- into something that's going somewhere. And the sex is, fuck, it's so good for- for me but I can't be happy with just that, Buck, okay, I tried to be and I know it's greedy but I can't stand feeling like I have you sometimes and feeling like none of it means anything the next."

" _Of course_ I want you," Buck snaps, teetering on the edge of letting Eddie free and unable to let himself tip over, scrabbling away at the last second, after all the hurt has been done and he only has to let himself be left behind. "Of course you _have me_ , of course it means something, I, fuck, I want you so much, Eddie, you don't- I want you _too much_ , that's the _point."_ His eyes are open again, but they might as well still be closed, tears welling and blurring his vision so that his hands look like pale smudges against the black of his pants. "I- I- it'll be hard enough losing this, Eddie. I can't- this, what we have right now, it's- it's easy for you to get out of, okay? It's not- if this ends, we still have everything else. This ending doesn't have to ruin _us_. Because losing the- losing the sex, losing the, the romantic side of things, it would hurt, but losing _you_ , it would fucking break me, Eddie." He can't meet Eddie's eyes, his fingers are digging into his thighs, and fuck it, he's already fucked everything up, he might as well cry too.

"So you don't think there's any way we could work," Eddie says, voice dull and disturbingly quiet. His face has done that thing where it tries to go blank, but Buck can see the tightness to his jaw, the way his mouth twitches in a cut-off twist. 

"I- It's not that- look, _yes_ , okay? You could have _anyone_ , Eddie," Buck chokes out. "Do you really expect me to- to think that I'm going to be what you want for long? When there's so many other people who would kill to be with you? When you have so many other options?"

"What, you think I've been- I've been _using_ you? You think I figured, Buck won't say no, I'll fuck around with him to figure out if I really like cock or not and then string him along until I find someone else? You think I would do that?" His mouth twists properly and he can't meet Buck's gaze, his eyes gleaming wet when he looks up at the ceiling and sucks a forcefully even breath through his nose. 

"No! No, Eddie, of course I don't think you were- I know you wouldn't do that. Not to anybody. I just... There's only so long people can handle me, you know?" He attempts a wobbly smile that he knows falls flat. "I know you wouldn't go into anything planning on finding someone else but... You deserve _everything_ , Eddie, and, fuck, I'll try so hard to give it to you, but, man, you deserve someone so much better, and someday you're going to find that, and I won't blame you for taking the chance."

Eddie deflates and the tears he's been pretending aren't gathering in his eyes finally fall, tracing slowly down his cheeks.

"You really believe that, huh," he mutters, rubbing his hands over his face. "So you've just... what, been drifting along waiting for me to leave you? Not even trying because you've already decided it's going to end?"

"I fought for you once, and I almost lost you completely," Buck manages. "I... I couldn't... I couldn't handle losing you, Eddie. I could handle you not wanting me anymore, but losing you completely, losing you and Christopher would- it would kill me."

"You don't-" he stops himself and takes a breath. "You don't _have_ to fight for me, Buck. I'm here, okay? I'm _here,_ for as long as you'll have me. I've _been_ here. I don't want you to fight _for_ me - I don't _need_ you to. I want you to fight _with_ me, to be _with_ me. I've _always_ \--" he breaks off again, flexing his fingers by his sides and breathing deep. "I- I know I'm not exactly the best person, Buck. I know I've been- I know I've been an asshole, I know I've hurt you. And I don't know how to talk about things, and I don't know how to be in a relationship, but I- I want to _try_ , Buck, I've _been_ trying, and I'm willing to wait, okay, if you're not ready to be open about this, if you're not ready to tell anyone. I'm okay with waiting for you to get your head around not being straight, or being out about not being straight, or just being with _me_ because I get it, I do, I just- I don't think I can keep trying, when I don't know what the future of this looks like to you. When I don't know if you want to be trying with me."

"I do," Buck pleads. "I do want to be trying with you, I do, I _am,_ I- I- I'm just- I'm _scared_ , Eddie. I'm scared of what happens if- if this doesn't work out."

"You think I'm not?" Eddie snaps before catching himself and taking a deep breath. "Sorry. Sorry, I just- I thought we were on the same page here, Buck. And I know it's on me, too, for not- I never talked about what I wanted. I know I should have. I just thought... I don't know. I guess I'm used to things between us being easy, I just assumed we wanted the same thing."

"Well... what do you want?" Buck asks, selfishly, wordlessly begging Eddie to take the leap he can't bring himself to, even now.

"You," Eddie replies simply, eyes finding Buck's again, warm and brown and stunning even through the tears leaking out of his eyes. "I want... I dunno, man, I'm not good at- at speeches or declarations or whatever. I just want you, here, with me and Chris. I want... I want to wake up with you, and go to bed with you, and _be_ with you. Always. And if that's not what you want, or- or you don't want it enough to take the risk, then... that's okay. Because I want you as my best friend and my partner, too. But I need one or the other, Buck. If you need some time to think, I'll wait for you, you don't have to give me an answer now... but I can't keep doing this."

"I want you," he should say. "I need you; I'll do anything to be with you, I'm all in, fuck the risks." He should say it. He _wants_ to say it, despite the terror throttling his throat and crushing his ribs. 

"I should go home, shouldn't I," he says quietly instead, hating himself for resenting the way Eddie slowly nods.

"You're always going to be my family, Buck," Eddie says quietly from the couch before Buck reaches the door. "You don't... I'm not giving you an ultimatum. I'm not going to stop being your friend if you don't want to be with me. You and Chris, you're... the most important people to me, always, no matter what you decide. I just- I need- I need you to be real with me, and yourself. I need to know what this is."

"Yeah," Buck croaks out. "I'll- I'll see you. Soon."

Feeling like a guest in his own home is nothing new, but nowhere has ever felt as painfully empty as his apartment does that night.


	10. Chapter 10

Buck wakes up to a house as empty as it was last night and a chest that feels a hundred times emptier. Sun shines bright through his windows, telling him he’s slept in a lot later than he normally does, but he feels like he’s only managed to snatch an hour or so of actual rest. He wants to pull the covers back up over his head and just bury himself until everything has sorted itself out without his input, but knowing that isn't an option, as a second-best option… he really wants to talk to his sister. With only one eye squinted open, he locates his phone and brings up his messages with Maddie.

_You doing anything tonight? Want to come over?_

_Nothing planned. What time were you thinking?_

_We can pick up something to eat on the way over_

His stomach sinks. Chim is family, but right now he kind of just really needs his sister.

_I was wondering if it could be just us actually_

_Everything okay?_

_Yeah,_ he sends quickly. _Everything is fine. I just need some advice on something._

_I_ _ll be there soon_

\---

“Everything’s fine, huh?” Maddy says gently, letting herself into his house and looking over at his huddled form from the kitchen. “What totally fine thing has got you wrapped up in a blanket in the middle of the day, then, huh?” He doesn’t know where to start, shuffling unhappily on the couch as he tries to think of what to say. Maddie starts making her way over. “Buck?”

"It's about Eddie," he mutters into the blanket, peeking over, and he hates, he _hates_ , the way her head immediately tilts, shoulders dropping and brows folding in sympathy.

"Oh, Buck," she says, voice soft and empathetic, and he hates that, as well, almost as much as he aches for it. "What happened?" She settles onto the couch next to him and tugs at his shoulder, letting him slump onto his side, head resting on her lap as she smooths his hair back.

"I'm an idiot," he mumbles miserably, feeling like he's eight years old again, bawling into his sister's lap because he just can't figure out how he keeps upsetting everyone he knows.

Except this time he _does_ know, knows what he’s done wrong and what he needs to do, he just- he just can’t see a way to actually _do it_. He fell into his intimacy with Eddie without even noticing, and he’s terrified of ruining it, and he doesn’t- he doesn’t know how to be a good partner. Doesn’t know if he _can_ be. Because god fucking knows he’s tried, but it’s never been enough. Never been enough to stop people leaving, never been better than being single and looking for someone better. Somehow, against all odds, Eddie hasn’t yet found reason enough to leave - but the chance that he _will_ is going to be much higher, if Buck lets them take that step into something more.

“Did you guys have a fight?” Maddy prompts, interrupting his thoughts.

“No. No, we didn’t- I mean… Not exactly.”

“Not exactly?”

“No. We just- we’re not- we’re on different pages and I- _fuck_ , Maddy, I’m so in love with him,” he chokes out, and look at that, he still has tears left to shed.

“ _Oh_. Oh, Buck. You told him?” He feels vaguely like he should be surprised by her _lack_ of surprise, but he doesn’t have the energy.

“No. I should have, I _wanted to_ , but I… I couldn’t. I just… left.”

“Okay, so… what happened? Is there a reason it had to be _then_ , that you told him?”

“He said it didn’t have to be, but I should’ve, I- He put himself out there and I just…”

“Evan, I’m here for you and I want to help, I do, but I need some context, sweetheart,” she interrupts, gently squeezing his shoulder.

“Right. Right. So we’ve been… um…” his face heats. “We’ve been kind of… messing around. For a bit. We never really talked about what it was, it’s just kind of… happened… but yesterday he said he wants us to be together,” Buck says. “Like… properly.” Maddie’s hands pause briefly, then continue smoothing his hair back.

“And that’s… a bad thing?” she asks carefully.

“Of course not,” he grumbles. “Or… well… I don’t know. It could be? Of course I want it, but, what if it goes wrong? How do we come back from that? It’ll change things, you know?”

“Buck… it sounds to me like things have _already_ changed.”

Buck swallows heavily, squeezing his eyes closed.

“But we can come back from this. If we step properly over that line, if we start… labelling it and telling people and bringing _Chris_ into it, it’s- when that ends, it _ends_ , Maddie. Everything, not just the sex.” He’s aware his voice is coming out in a whine, but he can’t help it, tears tickling as they slide over the bridge of his nose.

“And why does it have to end?”

Buck snorts bitterly, belatedly regretting it when that blows snot in unattractive lines down his face.

“How could it _not_?” he asks, swiping at his face with his sleeve pulled up over his fist and allowing himself a second to appreciate Maddie’s diplomatic silence. “Honestly, Mads, come on. I’ve managed to have two serious relationships in my life, with two great people. One of them fled the state and the other one fled the fucking country. Eddie could have _anyone_ , and I’m meant to believe he’s- he’s going to settle for dealing with me at work _and_ at home for more than a couple of years at best? He’s gonna get so fucking sick of my shit he won’t want anything to do with me ever again.”

“Oh, Evan,” she whispers, sounding on the verge of tears herself. “Just because Abby and Ali weren’t right for you doesn’t mean there’s anything _wrong_ with you. You and Ali had different priorities, okay, and that’s nobody’s fault, and Abby was- Abby was just a bitch who didn’t appreciate what she had,” Maddie bursts out, pressing down on Buck’s shoulder to stop him reflexively bolting upright. “No, I know you don’t want to think that, but it’s true, okay? I’m sure she must have been good to you at some point, but I was there after, and I know I left you as well and it’s not my place, but what she did to you- it wasn’t right, Buck. And it _doesn_ _’t_ mean _anything_ about the worth _you_ have.”

“Doesn’t it, though?” he asks, shrugging her hand off his shoulder and pushing himself upright. “I wasn’t even worth a _break-up text_ , Maddie.”

“Yes, you were,” Maddie insists fiercely. “You were, and you are, and Abby being too much of a coward to do the right thing _isn_ _’t_ what you deserved. And look, Evan… you wouldn’t exactly be going into this blind, would you? Forget Abbie, okay, because Eddie _isn_ _’t_ Abbie. I can’t tell you what to do, Evan, I can’t make that decision for you, but the way I see it… You and Eddie have already been with each other through a lot. You’ve come out the other side of a pretty big argument pretty strong, it looks like from here. You’ve been attached at the hip basically since I’ve been back, do you really think he doesn’t know what he’d be getting into? I don’t know him as well as you, but he doesn’t seem to me like the kind of man who would jump into this unless he was pretty sure it was going to last.”

Buck bites his lip, twisting his fingers together.

“I’m just so scared, Mads,” he manages, sinking back into her arms when she pulls him back into a hug.

“I know, Buck,” she murmurs, rubbing his back, embrace enveloping him despite her tiny frame in comparison to him. “I know. But you can’t let it stop you from being happy.”

\---

“You sure you’re alright?” Maddie asks later, hesitating by the door.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.”

“I could stay the night, if you want. We could order something in, watch a sappy movie?”

“No, no, it’s fine, Mads. Go tell Chim I’ve stopped stealing your attention, I’ll be fine. I… I need some time to think, anyway.”

“Okay, well, if you’re sure,” Maddie replies reluctantly. “I’m just a phone call away, okay?”

“I know,” he says, the reassuring smile on his face only partially forced. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mads.”

She pulls him into a tight hug before she goes, leaving him to his thoughts.

\---

A buzz on the table next to him a few hours later startles him out of his spiralling self-loathing, and the sight of Eddie’s name appearing on the screen makes him want to turn his phone off and throw it across the room. Eddie wouldn’t be texting for nothing, though, not after being the one to ask for space, so he swallows his dread and opens the message.

_Hey. Chris wants to say goodnight before he goes to bed, you up for a quick chat?_

Another two texts come through as he’s reading through the first one.

No pressure. I’ll tell him you can’t get to the phone if you’re not up to it.

_Just thought you would probably want to._

His chest tightens, the messages bringing a smile to his face and a tear to his eye all at once.

_Of course_

He sends immediately, bouncing his heel and chewing on his lip as he waits for the call. If it was anyone else, Buck might worry that they were using their kid to sway him, but he’s completely sure that Eddie would never do that; he knows Eddie well enough to know what this is. A reassurance, that Eddie values Buck’s relationship with Christopher distinct from their own, and a display of trust.

He can’t answer the call fast enough when it comes, grinning back at the beaming face looking out at him from the shaky screen.

“Buck!”

“Hey, buddy! How you doing? Keeping your dad in line?”

Christopher giggles, glancing off-screen and then nodding conspiratorially, curling over himself and bringing his face so close to the phone that he goes blurry.

“He doesn’t like it when you’re not here,” he whispers furtively - but not particularly quietly. “It’s okay, though. I made sure he wasn’t lonely, don’t worry.”

“Oh, I know I left him in the best hands,” Buck assures him, mirroring Christopher’s solemn nodding. “You and him have always got each others’ backs, right?”

“And yours,” Chris agrees.

“And mine,” Buck affirms around the sudden tightness in his throat. “Now, how was your day, huh? Bet it was better than mine. I had to do _chores_.” Screwing his face up in exaggerated disgust prompts another peal of giggles from Chris, who then launches into an animated description of his day. The animated chatter quickly slows until his head is dipping up and down, clearly right on the verge of falling asleep.

“I think it’s time for someone to go to bed,” he says, grinning. “Go on, have a good night’s sleep. I love you.”

“Night, Buck,” Chris mumbles, voice soft and sleepy, almost a whisper. “Love you.” He’s treated to a brief close-up view of Christopher’s back teeth as he breaks into a wide yawn, then the view on-screen blurs and comes to a stop displaying Eddie’s startled looking face.

“Um, night, Buck,” he says awkwardly, clearly expecting the phone hand-off about as much as Buck had.

“Night, Eddie,” he replies softly, the _I love you_ that slipped so easily off his tongue with Christopher burning a hole in his throat. They stare at each other in silence for a second, and Buck wonders if the thoughts running through Eddie’s mind are anything like the ones running through his own — the achingly soft look on Eddie’s face says they might be, and that possibility scares him into breaking the silence.

“I’ll uh, I’ll see you tomorrow, man,” he says, barely waiting for Eddie’s raised chin of acknowledgement before ending the call, heart pounding unreasonably fast.

“Fuck,” he groans, dropping his phone onto the table and letting his head thunk down next to it. As much as the little brother in him hates to admit it, Maddie was right.

There’s no un-crossing the lines they’ve already crossed. He doesn’t get to press a ‘back’ button. The only decision left to him is what way forward.

\---

When he gets to work the next day, he doesn’t know if he wants Eddie to already be in the locker room when he gets there or already be out in the station — what he _does_ know is that he’s not ready for their first proper interaction to be with nobody else there. Which means, of course, that when he steps into the room with his bag over a shoulder, the only presence there is Eddie doing his shirt up in front of his locker.

“Hey,” he manages, heart thundering, feeling like he’s sinking into Eddie’s deep brown eyes when their gazes meet.

“Hey,” Eddie replies, tongue swiping across his bottom lip and drawing Buck’s gaze. “Look, man, we, uh… Business as usual at work, right? We can talk after. Or, it doesn’t have to be today, just-”

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Buck rushes, head bobbing up and down. “Work is work, personal is, uh- is personal.”

“Yeah,” Eddie agrees, shoulders relaxing. “And, uh… just for the record, you know I’m not… I’m not putting us, our friendship, on hold, or anything. You can… I don’t want you to think you have to make a decision before you can talk to me, or anything.” He ducks his head, uncharacteristically withdrawn and unsure.

“I know,” Buck says. “I’m- We’ll leave the big talks for out of work but, me and you, we’re- we’re always good, man.”

“Good,” Eddie says, the smile on his face enough to give Buck the courage to pull Eddie into a hug that’s quickly reciprocated, arms strong and familiar around his shoulders.

\---

Work is… odd, that shift. Not the worst shift he’s had, not by a long shot, and not the most awkward, either, but the energy between him and Eddie is notably different. Not _negative_ , but charged, the imminent change in their relationship colouring their interactions undeniably. They work like a well-oiled machine out on the field, just like always, but their eyes somehow catch even more than usual, and he knows for sure they’re being kind of obvious when Bobby corners him alone in the kitchen for a faux-casual chat.

“How you doing, kid?” he asks, dropping a chopping board down on the counter next to where Buck is getting a drink of water. Buck rolls his eyes, simultaneously annoyed at and pleased by Bobby’s typical insightfulness.

“Good. Is there a reason I wouldn’t be good?”

“I don’t know,” Bobby says evenly, eyeing him thoughtfully. “You just seem like you’re in a little bit of an odd mood today, is all. You and Eddie both.”

Buck shrugs.

“Eddie’s always weird. We’re not fighting or anything, though, if that’s what you were wondering.”

“Not necessarily,” Bobby replies. “Can’t say the thought didn’t cross my mind, though.”

“We really are good, Bobby. We, we just- we have a conversation, we kind of need to finish. But it’s not- it’s not bad, or anything. We’re good. _I_ _’m_ good.” He lets Bobby scrutinise him for a second, meeting his searching gaze head-on.

“Okay,” he says finally, nodding and picking out a knife to lay down on the chopping board. “Well, since it doesn’t look like you’re having that conversation now, you might as well help me get lunch started.”

Buck groans loudly, throwing his head back and pretending it’s an imposition to drag himself over to the counter and catch the tomato Bobby under-hands his way. And if his little display draws Eddie’s attention and earns him an affectionate smile badly hidden behind rolled eyes, well, that’s a happy coincidence.

—-

The day is over. The day is over, most of the team have already fled the station, and Buck is kind of worried he’s going to be sick as he rushes to the locker room, relieved to see Eddie’s familiar figure through the glass.

He comes to a stop in front of where Eddie is sitting, feeling a lot like a twelve-year-old about to hand his crush a piece of paper that says "do you like me?" with a box for yes and a box for no.

"Hey," Eddie says, looking up from tying his shoes. Buck's nerve falters at the apprehension marring Eddie's face, but he makes himself push on anyway. _I'm fighting_ with _him,_ he tells himself, and manages to find his voice.

"Hey. I, uh, I was wondering if you and Chris, um, if you wanted to go to the park? And- and then we could grab something to eat at that place that does the- the fries Chris likes." He fidgets, feeling his face going pink. Eddie's head tilts slightly, caution on his face now, and _fuck_ , why is he so bad at this, he hasn't even told Eddie anything yet. "I thought, uh, I thought that... that we should tell Chris first. Before everyone else. If- I mean, if, if you still want to- to do this. With, uh. With me. Because I- I do. With you, I mean, not with- um, yeah." It's hardly the most eloquent declaration of intent that's ever been made, but the way Eddie's entire body brightens, you'd think Buck had just reinvented Shakespeare.

"Are you asking me and my kid out on a date?" Eddie teases. Buck shrugs, barely refraining from scuffing his boot along the ground.

"Only if the answer is yes."

Eddie laughs, bright and happy, and pushes himself to his feet, hands rising as if to cup Buck's face before he catches himself and lets them fall.

"Yeah, Buck. That sounds really good."

"Good," he says, beaming despite himself. "Good! I'll, uh. I'll just- I'll just go get changed, and then we can go pick up Chris? If- If, uh, if you want to do this now, I mean, we don't have to do it _now_ , whenever you want, I just thought-"

"Go get dressed, Buck," Eddie cuts in, gently but firmly stopping Buck's nervous babbling. "I'll be here when you're done."

"Yeah," Buck breathes, and that's the crux of it all, isn't it? Eddie has been saying he's here when Buck is ready for a long time, and Buck - Buck is finally ready to let himself believe it.

Eddie is here, and Buck is ready to join him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are adored, concrit is welcome, and I'm on Tumblr under the same name if you ever want to drop me a prompt or say hi :)


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